Round in circles
“The completeness of self is found when we can be alone and when we can bring all of who we are to another, receiving and being received fully.” ~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation
I think this blog has become quite a truthful reflection of what grief is like. Looking back over this month’s posts I see the upward sweep of the rollercoaster, as my emotions lift and reach more positive hopeful heights, then the crashing plummet back down. Yesterday I sat in the bumper car, holding on for dear life, waiting for the ride to begin again. Unable to move foward or back I sat at this computer and tried to write a blog post. I tried for an hour, writing round and round in circles, not making sense, the words dribbling into moans, complaints, frustration pouring out. There was (and still is) a mountain of work I have to do, but yesterday I felt so overwhelmed I couldn’t even open the document. So I gave up on the post and forced myself to walk to the sea, journal in hand, and sat at a table in the café and I wrote my thoughts out until my hand ached. What started as anger and confusion became lulled by the sound of the waves breaking and the movement of my pen, writing out a conversation with myself. Every stubborn thought I tackled was left wilting on the page, as I wrote further into how I was feeling.
I realized that I am waiting – waiting to be healed, waiting for life to change, waiting for someone to come along and make it better. And as I wrote my frustration out, I acknowledged that I am still, STILL, waiting for him to come back, waiting for him to not be dead, for the world to be as it was. But I’ve come too far to go back to the old me now; I am irrevocably changed. Moving to this town was supposed to be temporary, yet now I find I am living here, encased in my solitude, occasionally broken with time spent with friends, but mostly I am on my own. And as I burrow into myself and examine every aspect, every atom, I discover that, if I had my time over, perhaps I would not have chosen him. I see the truths of our relationship and I see the flaws too, and the me I am now knows she would not walk that path again.
Perhaps there comes a time when we must divorce the dead, when we must end the relationship in our own way, having been denied (in my case) an ending we could control. Perhaps I’m trying too hard to fall out of love with him in order to be able to find space in my heart to love again. I’m finding it hard to remember why men and women get together, why anyone would bother with all that fuss. I worry that as my strength grows I am becoming a monster; the word intimidating is one I have heard too often. Even my mother told me she found me thus in an afternoon of honest chat last year, after my therapist had pulled out yet another layer of childhood angst and I felt the need to talk to her about it. And she came back with her very quiet admission. And yes, maybe I can be a bit too direct, and maybe I can seem confident to those who don’t know me, but it only takes a breath of wind for me to crumple. I am confident and I am an emotional wreck; I am strong and I am weak; I have big dreams and no willpower to achieve them. Today I am very far away from being intimidating.
I think the real fear is that in truth we are so very powerful we could take over the world. What would happen if we took all the love and rage and crippling insecurity and doubt we carry on our backs and used it to propel us forward rather than hold us back? What would happen?
Landscape
Isn’t it plain the sheets of moss, except that
they have no tongues, could lecture
all day if they wanted about
spiritual patience? Isn’t it clear
the black oaks along the path are standing
as though they were the most fragile of flowers?
Every morning I walk like this around
the pond, thinking: if the doors of my heart
ever close, I am as good as dead.
Every morning, so far, I’m alive. And now
the crows break off from the rest of the darkness
and burst up into the sky – as though
all night they had thought of what they would like
their lives to be, and imagined
their strong, thick wings.
~ Mary Oliver, Dream Work
For more poetic inspiration, go here
Susannah,
As you peel away the layers, your soul touches mine and I feel — too.
rel
Susannah,
As you peel away the layers, your soul touches mine and I feel — too.
rel
I love this poem!
Let me know when you figure out how to conquer all those emotions and use them to propel yourself forward, I could use some of that power!
I love this poem!
Let me know when you figure out how to conquer all those emotions and use them to propel yourself forward, I could use some of that power!
Susannah… you are so amazing.
Your truth is astounding.
And I honour you so much.
You are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for.
Love to you.
Bx
Susannah… you are so amazing.
Your truth is astounding.
And I honour you so much.
You are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for.
Love to you.
Bx
God Susannah, that’s beautiful. Full of hope. I love Mary Oliver’s work, but hadn’t come across this poem, thanks for sharing it.
God Susannah, that’s beautiful. Full of hope. I love Mary Oliver’s work, but hadn’t come across this poem, thanks for sharing it.
Beautiful prose, Susannah (and a nice poem too) which includes the startling relevation that maybe you wouldn’t make the same choices now. This goes to show just how far you’ve come in your journey. And the power within can be a little scary at times, to all of us – if only we knew how to harness our power and really move mountains. Certainly the world would be a better place. xo
Beautiful prose, Susannah (and a nice poem too) which includes the startling relevation that maybe you wouldn’t make the same choices now. This goes to show just how far you’ve come in your journey. And the power within can be a little scary at times, to all of us – if only we knew how to harness our power and really move mountains. Certainly the world would be a better place. xo
*Perhaps there comes a time when we must divorce the dead, when we must end the relationship in our own way, having been denied (in my case) an ending we could control*
You have touched on an enormous truth in this post, Susannah, which I’m sure resonates from your particular grief, to the grief of many in a more metaphorical sense, the grief of lives that could’ve been lived, paths that might have have been walked.
You are feeling tender because you are making yourself a channel for such startling truths, and in receiving you are showing enormous bravery.
beautiful words, beautiful choice of poetry.
love and strength to you, my dear. your wisdom makes it easier to walk my path. thank you x x x x
*Perhaps there comes a time when we must divorce the dead, when we must end the relationship in our own way, having been denied (in my case) an ending we could control*
You have touched on an enormous truth in this post, Susannah, which I’m sure resonates from your particular grief, to the grief of many in a more metaphorical sense, the grief of lives that could’ve been lived, paths that might have have been walked.
You are feeling tender because you are making yourself a channel for such startling truths, and in receiving you are showing enormous bravery.
beautiful words, beautiful choice of poetry.
love and strength to you, my dear. your wisdom makes it easier to walk my path. thank you x x x x
Darling, I dont know what to say, you know we are both on the same rollercoaster, and I know what you feel, its really not easy, grieving, one day you think your ‘healed’ then the next your like a wreak.
I’m sending you loads of hugs darling XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
Darling, I dont know what to say, you know we are both on the same rollercoaster, and I know what you feel, its really not easy, grieving, one day you think your ‘healed’ then the next your like a wreak.
I’m sending you loads of hugs darling XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
“If the doors of my heart ever close, I am as good as dead.”
Never fear, the doors of your heart are wide open, Susannah, and beginning to let in many blessings, along with those truths that may be frightening. There will be dark days, of course, but more and more will be full of light. Shine on!
“If the doors of my heart ever close, I am as good as dead.”
Never fear, the doors of your heart are wide open, Susannah, and beginning to let in many blessings, along with those truths that may be frightening. There will be dark days, of course, but more and more will be full of light. Shine on!
It seems to me like a huge step to say to yourself that maybe the person you are today wouldn’t choose the man you loved and lost – to acknowledge how much he meant to you and also acknowledge the truth that you’ve changed dramatically in the past year.
I love the poem you’ve chosen for today too. It really seems to be a Mary Oliver Thursday. Counting my blog, this is the fourth time I’ve seen her name crop up this morning. Synchronicity in action.
It seems to me like a huge step to say to yourself that maybe the person you are today wouldn’t choose the man you loved and lost – to acknowledge how much he meant to you and also acknowledge the truth that you’ve changed dramatically in the past year.
I love the poem you’ve chosen for today too. It really seems to be a Mary Oliver Thursday. Counting my blog, this is the fourth time I’ve seen her name crop up this morning. Synchronicity in action.
There is much in this post that whispers ‘healing’. I hope you see that and can find a way to embrace your strength.
There is much in this post that whispers ‘healing’. I hope you see that and can find a way to embrace your strength.
Susannah,
Your post is so amazing to me–because you perfectly capture, as you said, a “truthful reflection of what grief is like”. I think anyone who has lost someone wonders about who they would have been otherwise…it is powerful (and frightening) when we begin to reconstruct who a lost one actually was. It is frightening because memory is sacred…you are still breaking new ground, even if it seems you are moving in circles. Your writing here stirs thoughts up…like the Mary Oliver writing does. Your cafe by the sea sounds like a truly healing place…as does your notebook. I hope you keep going there.
Susannah,
Your post is so amazing to me–because you perfectly capture, as you said, a “truthful reflection of what grief is like”. I think anyone who has lost someone wonders about who they would have been otherwise…it is powerful (and frightening) when we begin to reconstruct who a lost one actually was. It is frightening because memory is sacred…you are still breaking new ground, even if it seems you are moving in circles. Your writing here stirs thoughts up…like the Mary Oliver writing does. Your cafe by the sea sounds like a truly healing place…as does your notebook. I hope you keep going there.
i agree with so many here that this roller coaster, where you sit right now, is all part of healing. and this is what you are walking right now…a path to healing.
even if it doesn’t feel like it to you. your friends see it. i see it, hear it, feel it from you.
i am so glad you picked yourself up to walk on the beach, sit at a cafe…to get out of your flat and breathe some fresh air. do you see how brave that was? how different that choice was compared to some time ago? you are growing emmensley and your growth spills over onto all of us…inspiring us with strength and determination.
i love you, dear. know that i am here for you, to sit in it with you and just be.
xoxo
i agree with so many here that this roller coaster, where you sit right now, is all part of healing. and this is what you are walking right now…a path to healing.
even if it doesn’t feel like it to you. your friends see it. i see it, hear it, feel it from you.
i am so glad you picked yourself up to walk on the beach, sit at a cafe…to get out of your flat and breathe some fresh air. do you see how brave that was? how different that choice was compared to some time ago? you are growing emmensley and your growth spills over onto all of us…inspiring us with strength and determination.
i love you, dear. know that i am here for you, to sit in it with you and just be.
xoxo
“What would happen if we took all the love and rage and crippling insecurity and doubt we carry on our backs and used it to propel us forward rather than hold us back?” …the act of asking these questions means that you are moving forward … just keep digging, asking, and asking and asking … your will create your own answers. much peace & love, d
“What would happen if we took all the love and rage and crippling insecurity and doubt we carry on our backs and used it to propel us forward rather than hold us back?” …the act of asking these questions means that you are moving forward … just keep digging, asking, and asking and asking … your will create your own answers. much peace & love, d
So much to think on here! And powerful brave, too. To look honestly at the humaness of your romance… It is all so mucky. I think if I lost my husband I might forget how he lets me down, because my heart would be so broken.
You are beautiful, Susannah. I often think that if I am too strong for other people, then they just need to deal with who I am. Maybe it is the same for you. Maybe first you need to be a bit hard, in order to protect and heal your tender heart. But that wall will soften I bet, when your heart is strong enough…
:)
So much to think on here! And powerful brave, too. To look honestly at the humaness of your romance… It is all so mucky. I think if I lost my husband I might forget how he lets me down, because my heart would be so broken.
You are beautiful, Susannah. I often think that if I am too strong for other people, then they just need to deal with who I am. Maybe it is the same for you. Maybe first you need to be a bit hard, in order to protect and heal your tender heart. But that wall will soften I bet, when your heart is strong enough…
:)
What a brave post, so honest and real. As always, you leave me in awe of what you are going through and how much you are growing and learning. Thank you once again, for your beautiful words.
I love the poem as well, Mary Oliver rocks!
What a brave post, so honest and real. As always, you leave me in awe of what you are going through and how much you are growing and learning. Thank you once again, for your beautiful words.
I love the poem as well, Mary Oliver rocks!
Mary Oliver is surrounding me in deep emotion this week.
I feel it strange to say your post made me feel happy-happy that you share all the real – all spects of who you are-
I admire you dear one. I really do-for traveling the path-being alone to sort it out instead of pushing it down or denying it-it is beautiful.
You are beautiful.
Loving you sweet pea
Mary Oliver is surrounding me in deep emotion this week.
I feel it strange to say your post made me feel happy-happy that you share all the real – all spects of who you are-
I admire you dear one. I really do-for traveling the path-being alone to sort it out instead of pushing it down or denying it-it is beautiful.
You are beautiful.
Loving you sweet pea
Beautiful post! This was a perfect choice for you today :)
Peace & Hugs
Beautiful post! This was a perfect choice for you today :)
Peace & Hugs
Oh sweetie, you are so good at expressing what you feel. A lovely post m’dear. And thank you for re-posting my banner honey, I do think the inverted colours look better.
xx
Oh sweetie, you are so good at expressing what you feel. A lovely post m’dear. And thank you for re-posting my banner honey, I do think the inverted colours look better.
xx
Sometimes the emotions we feel become a way of life, an integral part of who we are. When the emotions begins to fade, feelings of uncertainty and fear take their place; we have harbored those emotions for so long they are a part of us–who will we be without them?
You are daring to set those emotions aside. They have served as a shelter for you as you’ve walked this journey of grief, but your words reveal your readiness to pull the door closed on them and explore who you are now, who you will be in the future.
I am so looking forward to reading the words you will write as you begin walking down that new path, Susannah.
Hugs to you as you take those first steps.
Sometimes the emotions we feel become a way of life, an integral part of who we are. When the emotions begins to fade, feelings of uncertainty and fear take their place; we have harbored those emotions for so long they are a part of us–who will we be without them?
You are daring to set those emotions aside. They have served as a shelter for you as you’ve walked this journey of grief, but your words reveal your readiness to pull the door closed on them and explore who you are now, who you will be in the future.
I am so looking forward to reading the words you will write as you begin walking down that new path, Susannah.
Hugs to you as you take those first steps.
maybe he is inspiring you more,looking down on you,from a better place..
maybe he is inspiring you more,looking down on you,from a better place..
That is such a lovely, hopeful poem. Thank you for being so honest in your grief – it is a comfort and a strength.
That is such a lovely, hopeful poem. Thank you for being so honest in your grief – it is a comfort and a strength.
What would happen Suze? To use all our feelings to propel us forwards, rather than hold us back? We would make shit loads of mistakes, but we would be living and alive. I always thought that every situation had a brick wall at the end of it, with big letters saying HURT and PAIN on it, and I would rather enjoy the journey and have the moments, knowing that possibly I would hit the brick wall, and if so, then I would do it at running speed. That is my take on life in general, we are not coming back again, this is not a rehersal, so do it, feel it, live it. That’s why I get myself into a fair few scrapes. Not much help I’m afraid
What would happen Suze? To use all our feelings to propel us forwards, rather than hold us back? We would make shit loads of mistakes, but we would be living and alive. I always thought that every situation had a brick wall at the end of it, with big letters saying HURT and PAIN on it, and I would rather enjoy the journey and have the moments, knowing that possibly I would hit the brick wall, and if so, then I would do it at running speed. That is my take on life in general, we are not coming back again, this is not a rehersal, so do it, feel it, live it. That’s why I get myself into a fair few scrapes. Not much help I’m afraid
Susannah your beautiful, truthful words constantly resonate with me. I have been reading your blog for some time and it is reassuring to know there is someone else out there with the same sadness, fears, frustrations, hope, dreams…. Thankyou for not locking yourself away from the world and instead sharing your journey. It is a gift to others.
Susannah your beautiful, truthful words constantly resonate with me. I have been reading your blog for some time and it is reassuring to know there is someone else out there with the same sadness, fears, frustrations, hope, dreams…. Thankyou for not locking yourself away from the world and instead sharing your journey. It is a gift to others.
wow susanah…your thoughts coupled with the poem–powerful, very, very powerful
wow susanah…your thoughts coupled with the poem–powerful, very, very powerful
I love Mary Oliver. Her words are wisdom as are yours.
I love Mary Oliver. Her words are wisdom as are yours.
There seems such a strong move to healing in all of this. – Your own words, and your choice of poem. – The strong, thick wings. I wish you well.
There seems such a strong move to healing in all of this. – Your own words, and your choice of poem. – The strong, thick wings. I wish you well.
Your power amazes and inspires me…I want so much to find the same resources in myself…but until I do, I’ll just come here to see how it’s done.
Your power amazes and inspires me…I want so much to find the same resources in myself…but until I do, I’ll just come here to see how it’s done.
“divorce the dead”
a very powerful statement and maybe a revelation for yourself that needs more exploration.
divorces can be very ugly, or very amlicable…what makes either of these possible?
You and I would have this discussion over tea in that cafe by your ocean :)
love you xxx d
“divorce the dead”
a very powerful statement and maybe a revelation for yourself that needs more exploration.
divorces can be very ugly, or very amlicable…what makes either of these possible?
You and I would have this discussion over tea in that cafe by your ocean :)
love you xxx d
Mary Oliver again – she is popping up everywhere this week. A perfect choice.
Mary Oliver again – she is popping up everywhere this week. A perfect choice.
i haven’t visited you here in several days but as i read your words it is as though we have been whispering our thoughts to one another.
oh my brave girl who speaks her mind to live more on her journey…you get it. thank you for this. do. not. stop.
i haven’t visited you here in several days but as i read your words it is as though we have been whispering our thoughts to one another.
oh my brave girl who speaks her mind to live more on her journey…you get it. thank you for this. do. not. stop.
Your writing is so honest and full of strength. It made me think today of that Marianne Williamson quote:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”