Reflections
I took myself out on an Artist’s Date yesterday, the first proper one since I’ve been back in this town. I never realised that I was so ravenous for inspiration – twenty-two months of grieving leaves the well so dry, starring at four blank walls all day. I woke up hoping for sunshine, and as the rays broke through the clouds I pulled on my Converse and headed out the door, camera in my bag. I spent a couple of hours in the local museum and art gallery then walked along the sea front, snapping pictures as I went. On any other day it could have been rather depressing as the rain was threatening and the louring clouds were back, but I was looking for something… I was looking for beauty.
To leave the flat has always been an effort, but lately I find myself locking the door behind me before I realise what I’m doing; I’m outside and walking down the street before my mind has had time to complain. I started with nothing when I came here; my life was razed to the ground. With time and tears I rebuilt my skeleton, I rewired my nervous system. Next came flesh, and slowly my skin grew back. My home became filled with objects I treasured; I took my first trip back to London. The words started to return and blogging helped them to grow. Then I took a trip to a new country to meet with women I had never met before, and something changed – the hunger came back. It was as I sat reflecting on my time with those amazing women, looking through the hundreds of photographs I had shot, that a part of me returned, a part that had been dormant for longer than my grief.
Yesterday I had lunch in the museum, and I sat sipping coffee and eating my panini looking out over the sea. I didn’t need a book to fill those moments of alone-ness; I didn’t need company, or a phone call to make me look busy. I sat and I was quiet. Once upon a time, in a life far far away, I wouldn’t have been able to do that: now it is so normal and comfortable for me I want to laugh. Wherever I am I have company: I am with myself. To have this sense of wholeness is such a gift, it’s like spending time with the best company in the world, someone who knows you inside and out, and likes the same things as you.
And so I am left with the hunger: Michelle’s post yesterday brought this word into my mind again. I hunger for my love: that is a fact that has not changed, and may never (I don’t know). But more than this, I hunger for experiences, for photo-opportunities, for kisses, for laughter. I hunger for hot skin and dog-earred pages; for red and yellow, violet and cerulean. I don’t think I’m living with death as much as I used to; I think I’m living with life – scary, hungry, bloody, thrilling LIFE.
It sounds like a perfect day. I see you moving forward at a steady pace, even sometimes running towards the future – so exciting.
It sounds like a perfect day. I see you moving forward at a steady pace, even sometimes running towards the future – so exciting.
Hi Susannah –
I haven’t had a chance to read all your archives – and I don’t know what the grief is you speak of – but I applaud you for moving through it. There is no going around grief. There is only a steady, one-day-at-a-time journey through it to the other side. It’s sounds like you are on that other side and I wish you nothing but peace and happiness from this point on.
Best Wishes,
Chris
Hi Susannah –
I haven’t had a chance to read all your archives – and I don’t know what the grief is you speak of – but I applaud you for moving through it. There is no going around grief. There is only a steady, one-day-at-a-time journey through it to the other side. It’s sounds like you are on that other side and I wish you nothing but peace and happiness from this point on.
Best Wishes,
Chris
I am so delighted to read these words, and to see evidence of your growth. You are doing so well, my dear. Keep feeding that hunger…you are doing fabulously.
XO
I am so delighted to read these words, and to see evidence of your growth. You are doing so well, my dear. Keep feeding that hunger…you are doing fabulously.
XO
remember once upon a time i couldn’t read your posts without crying? – i think i am returning to that place. none of us will ever really know ourselves unless we can learn to be alone in our own company and not feel, well, uncomfortable. even in a house full of people, i am on that journey myself. you are so brave to have stuck at this until you’ve reached this point. (oh, and just for the record, the tears really started flowing on that last portrait and paragraph. hunger, gnawing. yes.)
remember once upon a time i couldn’t read your posts without crying? – i think i am returning to that place. none of us will ever really know ourselves unless we can learn to be alone in our own company and not feel, well, uncomfortable. even in a house full of people, i am on that journey myself. you are so brave to have stuck at this until you’ve reached this point. (oh, and just for the record, the tears really started flowing on that last portrait and paragraph. hunger, gnawing. yes.)
Oh Susannah, reading your post brought a big smile to my face. I’m so incredibly happy for you.. happy that you’re hungry for the beauty of life again. It shows in your pictures from your day out, pictures which I can’t get enough of, by the way.. those beautiful shots make me “home”sick. Hugs to you. xo
Oh Susannah, reading your post brought a big smile to my face. I’m so incredibly happy for you.. happy that you’re hungry for the beauty of life again. It shows in your pictures from your day out, pictures which I can’t get enough of, by the way.. those beautiful shots make me “home”sick. Hugs to you. xo
What a beautiful post! Just came across your blog recently, and it feels like a warm, real and beautiful place I want to visit regularly. When the hunger comes back after one has been down the spiral of grief and back up and out again, life tastes even fresher and juicier. At least it’s been my experience. I wish you a life-long artist date, one that will keep your curiosity bright and sharp, your eyes keen for beauty, and your soul open to delight.
What a beautiful post! Just came across your blog recently, and it feels like a warm, real and beautiful place I want to visit regularly. When the hunger comes back after one has been down the spiral of grief and back up and out again, life tastes even fresher and juicier. At least it’s been my experience. I wish you a life-long artist date, one that will keep your curiosity bright and sharp, your eyes keen for beauty, and your soul open to delight.
I’m so glad that you had such a great day, Susannah. You certainly found beauty – your photograph of the ceiling is gorgeous. I love the bright colours and the gold and the sun shining through the stained glass. Beautiful! And you sound so happy! :)
I’m so glad that you had such a great day, Susannah. You certainly found beauty – your photograph of the ceiling is gorgeous. I love the bright colours and the gold and the sun shining through the stained glass. Beautiful! And you sound so happy! :)
What beautiful words, an inspiring post. I have no other words to share, except maybe to tell that yours left my body covered in goosbumps :)
xo Sophie
What beautiful words, an inspiring post. I have no other words to share, except maybe to tell that yours left my body covered in goosbumps :)
xo Sophie
Just like you no longer need to seek company (because you are with yourself), you don’t really have to seek beauty either.
Just like you no longer need to seek company (because you are with yourself), you don’t really have to seek beauty either.
S~ This post was incredibly FULL OF LIFE. Your steps forward seem so much larger and the experiences more vast. Your description of rebuilding yourself was poetic and beautiful, as is the outcome. It is so clear that you are indeed “locking the door” both literally and figuratively. While I believe that you will always “feel” what has happened to you in the past few years, I also believe that you are in a place where you can take those feelings and apply them to your journey forward.
You are incredibly inspiring and it warms my heart to see you in the space you are in. I have a smile on my face and a big beat in my heart.
Love to you,
Jen
xoxoxo
S~ This post was incredibly FULL OF LIFE. Your steps forward seem so much larger and the experiences more vast. Your description of rebuilding yourself was poetic and beautiful, as is the outcome. It is so clear that you are indeed “locking the door” both literally and figuratively. While I believe that you will always “feel” what has happened to you in the past few years, I also believe that you are in a place where you can take those feelings and apply them to your journey forward.
You are incredibly inspiring and it warms my heart to see you in the space you are in. I have a smile on my face and a big beat in my heart.
Love to you,
Jen
xoxoxo
my smile grew a mile as i read through your words. it is such an honor to witness your healing, to play a small part in it. perhaps we all had little pieces of ourselves that needed to be resurrected and our time together in november did just that–for me too.
i love you and i am so proud and honored to call you my friend.
my smile grew a mile as i read through your words. it is such an honor to witness your healing, to play a small part in it. perhaps we all had little pieces of ourselves that needed to be resurrected and our time together in november did just that–for me too.
i love you and i am so proud and honored to call you my friend.
this was thrilling and uplifting
to read –
my meandering days alone fuel
me as well – and i have always
said i am out “looking for
poetry” – lovely post -
the photos are magical infused
shots and so is your bright
heart …
just thinking “out loud”
here – it is so liberating is it
not – to sit and sip coffee and
look around comfortable hanging
out with yourself?
:)
love you!
hugs!
this was thrilling and uplifting
to read –
my meandering days alone fuel
me as well – and i have always
said i am out “looking for
poetry” – lovely post -
the photos are magical infused
shots and so is your bright
heart …
just thinking “out loud”
here – it is so liberating is it
not – to sit and sip coffee and
look around comfortable hanging
out with yourself?
:)
love you!
hugs!
susannah, this post really touched me. i am so happy to know that you are re-emerging from this dark period in your life. you sound healthy and whole. i am so excited to see what life has in store for you…
(p.s. i am in love with that top photo).
~ruby
I can’t help but think of the saying “The only way out is through.” Beautiful to see you feeling light and warmth (and life) on your skin again. LOVE your shoes!
I can’t help but think of the saying “The only way out is through.” Beautiful to see you feeling light and warmth (and life) on your skin again. LOVE your shoes!
Beautiful post – so positive and life-affirming! And the photos are smashing.
Beautiful post – so positive and life-affirming! And the photos are smashing.
It may be that this is a wound you will continue to have – but it will become a wound through which the creative comes through and manifests. I like the idea of the artefacts (carpets, jewellery) that are created with a deliberate flaw – some say it is there because the Creative can’t come into something that is perfect and flawless. It seems that this (the hunger) living in you as creative source. I wish you well.
It may be that this is a wound you will continue to have – but it will become a wound through which the creative comes through and manifests. I like the idea of the artefacts (carpets, jewellery) that are created with a deliberate flaw – some say it is there because the Creative can’t come into something that is perfect and flawless. It seems that this (the hunger) living in you as creative source. I wish you well.
Yah… what a glorious day.
I wish I were there cutie.
Hugs
Bx
Yah… what a glorious day.
I wish I were there cutie.
Hugs
Bx
what a joyful post here susannah. i love your inspiration and the message here, that loving yourself comes first. and i covet your converse. my favorite photo is the last one.
what a joyful post here susannah. i love your inspiration and the message here, that loving yourself comes first. and i covet your converse. my favorite photo is the last one.
First of all I’m thrilled that you came by… Such a treat! Thank you. I love your words and all the feelings they stir up in me… I’m in such hunger for life as well. You’ve inspired me to go deeper and try to describe what I mean by that. What a great photo of that broken window! x
First of all I’m thrilled that you came by… Such a treat! Thank you. I love your words and all the feelings they stir up in me… I’m in such hunger for life as well. You’ve inspired me to go deeper and try to describe what I mean by that. What a great photo of that broken window! x
When I read your last sentence I could just imagine you shouting it out loud. What a wonderful affirmation…scary, hungry, bloody, thrilling LIFE. Thanks for letting us tag along on your journey.
When I read your last sentence I could just imagine you shouting it out loud. What a wonderful affirmation…scary, hungry, bloody, thrilling LIFE. Thanks for letting us tag along on your journey.
This post just makes me happy. Just happy.
xxxxxxxxxooooooo
:)
This post just makes me happy. Just happy.
xxxxxxxxxooooooo
:)
I love everything about this post – your words, your images…everything!
I love everything about this post – your words, your images…everything!
Breathing…
…….once again
Breathing…
…….once again
Rendered speechless by your words this morning, my friend…so I will tell you that I’m smiling for you.
Love,
D.
Rendered speechless by your words this morning, my friend…so I will tell you that I’m smiling for you.
Love,
D.
horray!!!!!
horray!!!!!
: ) its a good hungering and i am very happy that you found so much beauty in yourself and through your lens of the life around you and the life inside of you … warm hug sweetie …
: ) its a good hungering and i am very happy that you found so much beauty in yourself and through your lens of the life around you and the life inside of you … warm hug sweetie …
Oh sweet Susannah. What a wonderful, hungry, thrilling post.
To life!
xxx
Oh sweet Susannah. What a wonderful, hungry, thrilling post.
To life!
xxx
How great to hear you talk about the sense of wholeness you feel, and how comfortable you are with your own company. So take yourself out into the world and make a wonderful life! You deserve it!
How great to hear you talk about the sense of wholeness you feel, and how comfortable you are with your own company. So take yourself out into the world and make a wonderful life! You deserve it!
my heart swells reading this.
remember our walk in Seattle when we talked excitedly about the days ahead? it was raining and our arms were snuggled up close as our feet covered the damp terrain of the city.
i felt the hunger in you then…and now it grows ever so abundantly.
i love you, more than words can say.
my heart swells reading this.
remember our walk in Seattle when we talked excitedly about the days ahead? it was raining and our arms were snuggled up close as our feet covered the damp terrain of the city.
i felt the hunger in you then…and now it grows ever so abundantly.
i love you, more than words can say.
Beautiful words, beautiful photos -
It’s wonderful to read about your journey and witness peace and joy emerging.
Wishing you all good things.
- Lee
Beautiful words, beautiful photos -
It’s wonderful to read about your journey and witness peace and joy emerging.
Wishing you all good things.
- Lee
wow, this is very touching. the idea of wholeness particularly resonates with me.
wow, this is very touching. the idea of wholeness particularly resonates with me.
Susannah … things have shifted within you and it’s been such an honour to be on this journey with you as you learn once again to embrace life … and more importantly, embrace yourself. Much peace & love, JP
Susannah … things have shifted within you and it’s been such an honour to be on this journey with you as you learn once again to embrace life … and more importantly, embrace yourself. Much peace & love, JP
Oh my sweet I feel so alive reading your words. I can feel you rising- rebirth – oh it is so magnificent.
This made me weep tears of joy.
Love you angel.
*each morning I give an extra splash of perfume and think of you:)
Oh my sweet I feel so alive reading your words. I can feel you rising- rebirth – oh it is so magnificent.
This made me weep tears of joy.
Love you angel.
*each morning I give an extra splash of perfume and think of you:)
I love that you took yourself on a “proper” artist date! You have inspired me to follow in your steps and do the same thing myself!
I am loving watching you explore photography again. You have a great eye!
Miss you lady!
I love that you took yourself on a “proper” artist date! You have inspired me to follow in your steps and do the same thing myself!
I am loving watching you explore photography again. You have a great eye!
Miss you lady!
Delurking to say I was inspired reading your gorgeous words. I too am searching for beauty after a long, cold winter and just this evening took out my copy of the Artist’s Way.
Looking forward to my first real artist date in way too long. Thank you for inspiring me with your words.
Delurking to say I was inspired reading your gorgeous words. I too am searching for beauty after a long, cold winter and just this evening took out my copy of the Artist’s Way.
Looking forward to my first real artist date in way too long. Thank you for inspiring me with your words.