The view from inside
I’m finding it extremely difficult to explain to anyone where I am right now, in my life, in my grief, in my head. One day I am in a calm zen-like space, dishing out ladles of wisdom to friends, gathering books and inspiration around me as I prepare for this next stage; the next day I am crouched over my desk with my hair on fire. There are parts of my make-up that I don’t like. I live with them and they live with me, but it is not a happy partnership. When grieving these parts fade into the background hum of existing – your sole focus is on surviving the blast. As the heat dies down and the acknowledgment (but still not the acceptance) of the loss is painstakingly integrated into your life, your phoenix-self rises out of the ashes and spreads its wings. The world, and your self, has never been more in focus than it is now. This is the point when those musty misshapen parts of yourself, the ones that have kept quiet while you raged and keened, come out to welcome the new day, and you discover they do not fit anymore.
This is where I am. In Jungian terms, I am going through a process called individuation – that’s what my therapist tells me anyway, and reading up on the subject (as I do in any situation) it feels like an accurate assessment. I’d love to be able to report that I’m wafting around by the sea, planning the new colour scheme for my flat-to-be in London, but the truth is, I’m RAGING against my grief, I’m RAGING against my father, I’m RAGING against myself. I’m aching for my love, aching to be touched; I’m beating myself up for my lack of success, and my insidious obsessive inclinations that keep me trapped in the same small shape I have always had when the real me is twice this size. I’m pushing people away from me when I probably most need them, and I’m battening down the doors as I prepare for the next six weeks, weeks that will be filled with too many significant dates, starting with my birthday in five days and ending with the two-year anniversary of his death. Mix in an overactive subconscious providing me with dreams that no one in their right mind would be having, and you have one exhausted woman.
But I’m not running away from any of this. I know that right now I am the strongest, yet most vulnerable, I have ever been. When I’m in the eye of the storm I forget this, but the next day, when the sun is coming back into my world, I see how brave I am to peel back each layer, time and time again, to get to the truth.
I finally admitted to a friend on Sunday that I would like someone in my life. Not that I am in the least bit ready; not that there is room in this technicolored temple of ME for another person’s energy… simply, that one day it would be nice to have a man hold my hand, and for my heart to skip a beat. When he died our relationship didn’t die with him, but I am finding that I can no longer maintain it on my own – this is one long-distance relationship that cannot work.
I have started writing Morning Pages again, I am breathing through each minute to take me to the next, and I am listening to the voices of my characters as they start to talk to me again. Every day old habits and patterns of thinking are broken, allowing space for the new. I mindfully make myself a mug of hazelnut coffee in the cafetiere he bought me that morning in September, exasperated that I only had ‘hippy teabags’ in my house. I am being gentle with myself.
I recognize these feelings, and you’ve written them so perfectly. I find myself trying to move forward, and actually doing it, and then I’m sobbing in disbelief that my sister is gone. And it all happens in minutes. Routine is saving me right now, just as surely as it lets another wave of grief surface.
It’s so good you’re doing morning pages again. I hope this week is good to you. xoxoxo
I recognize these feelings, and you’ve written them so perfectly. I find myself trying to move forward, and actually doing it, and then I’m sobbing in disbelief that my sister is gone. And it all happens in minutes. Routine is saving me right now, just as surely as it lets another wave of grief surface.
It’s so good you’re doing morning pages again. I hope this week is good to you. xoxoxo
“i am being gentle with myself.”
this is one of the most important things you can do for yourself in times of sorrow, and something i often forget. you are so brave.
“i am being gentle with myself.”
this is one of the most important things you can do for yourself in times of sorrow, and something i often forget. you are so brave.
darling susannah,
it doesn’t stop does it – each moment, each wonderful, terrible, colourful, awesome, painful, joyful moment just leads to another. I am so glad to read that you are seeing your own strength as well as your vulnerability and that you are being gentle with yourself. I agree whole heartedly with you that you are brave, so brave, for peeling back all these layers to get to the truth.
Sending all my love,
x
darling susannah,
it doesn’t stop does it – each moment, each wonderful, terrible, colourful, awesome, painful, joyful moment just leads to another. I am so glad to read that you are seeing your own strength as well as your vulnerability and that you are being gentle with yourself. I agree whole heartedly with you that you are brave, so brave, for peeling back all these layers to get to the truth.
Sending all my love,
x
The path you are on is difficult and rather unpredictable, but I’m so glad you’ve stuck to the path. Many have faced the future by ignoring the pain of the past and have not worked through the phases that are necessary to get to the destination in one piece. This process cannot be pinned to a timetable.
Continue to be gentle with yourself, S. The sunny days are gaining on the dark.
xoxo Star
The path you are on is difficult and rather unpredictable, but I’m so glad you’ve stuck to the path. Many have faced the future by ignoring the pain of the past and have not worked through the phases that are necessary to get to the destination in one piece. This process cannot be pinned to a timetable.
Continue to be gentle with yourself, S. The sunny days are gaining on the dark.
xoxo Star
The path you are on is difficult and rather unpredictable, but I’m so glad you’ve stuck to the path. Many have faced the future by ignoring the pain of the past and have not worked through the phases that are necessary to get to the destination in one piece. This process cannot be pinned to a timetable.
Continue to be gentle with yourself, S. The sunny days are gaining on the dark.
xoxo Star
The path you are on is difficult and rather unpredictable, but I’m so glad you’ve stuck to the path. Many have faced the future by ignoring the pain of the past and have not worked through the phases that are necessary to get to the destination in one piece. This process cannot be pinned to a timetable.
Continue to be gentle with yourself, S. The sunny days are gaining on the dark.
xoxo Star
I am not sure what to say, other than that being gentle with yourself takes so much courage. Your words inspire me.
Thanks for the reminder about writing morning pages. I’ve done morning pages a few months ago. I really liked it and I’m not sure why I stopped. I’m going to give it another try :)
Hugs and kisses,
Sophie
I am not sure what to say, other than that being gentle with yourself takes so much courage. Your words inspire me.
Thanks for the reminder about writing morning pages. I’ve done morning pages a few months ago. I really liked it and I’m not sure why I stopped. I’m going to give it another try :)
Hugs and kisses,
Sophie
keep on being gentle with yourself, keep on feeling what you’ve got to feel – you’ve come a long way and there’s still a long way to go and i’m sure it makes you feel exhausted and dizzy just thinking about it sometimes. but the good thing is (cliche as it is) you only ever have to do it one day at a time. love YOU, and your contemplative, quirky and creative soul. hugs x x x (email coming soon…)
keep on being gentle with yourself, keep on feeling what you’ve got to feel – you’ve come a long way and there’s still a long way to go and i’m sure it makes you feel exhausted and dizzy just thinking about it sometimes. but the good thing is (cliche as it is) you only ever have to do it one day at a time. love YOU, and your contemplative, quirky and creative soul. hugs x x x (email coming soon…)
I hope the Morning Pages help, and I hope this blog is a safe place for you to let out ALL of you–the rage and the grief and the exultation and the change and the despair. In all colors, in all shades, you are worthy. Know that, please.
xoxo,
m
I hope the Morning Pages help, and I hope this blog is a safe place for you to let out ALL of you–the rage and the grief and the exultation and the change and the despair. In all colors, in all shades, you are worthy. Know that, please.
xoxo,
m
Keep swimming…keep breathing…keep going. Know that I think of you often and wish you well and send you love from over the sea…and know that I’m not the only one who does this. You have opened many people’s hearts in your journey. It is, indeed, a journey even if you feel you’re standing still.
Love to you–
D.
Keep swimming…keep breathing…keep going. Know that I think of you often and wish you well and send you love from over the sea…and know that I’m not the only one who does this. You have opened many people’s hearts in your journey. It is, indeed, a journey even if you feel you’re standing still.
Love to you–
D.
oh my god…girl, when i read this it hit me right between the eyes…the raging you talk about…YES, that is what i’ve been doing…there is this me that exists that doesn’t fit the me i have been and because i can’t quite get to it (and i know it is there, i can exhale and see her hair move) it has been this battle and it sometimes feels like despair because so much of the raging is tunred inwards…
does any of that make sense?
in other words, i DO think we are in a very similar place…
oh my god…girl, when i read this it hit me right between the eyes…the raging you talk about…YES, that is what i’ve been doing…there is this me that exists that doesn’t fit the me i have been and because i can’t quite get to it (and i know it is there, i can exhale and see her hair move) it has been this battle and it sometimes feels like despair because so much of the raging is tunred inwards…
does any of that make sense?
in other words, i DO think we are in a very similar place…
Susannah~ I think that this line struck me the most:
“When I’m in the eye of the storm I forget this, but the next day, when the sun is coming back into my world, I see how brave I am to peel back each layer, time and time again, to get to the truth.”
While this is a positive journey in that the end result will be one of contentment, I suppose that the journey itself is bound to be messy and unsettling some days. I think that you can not fully explain it to people because it is so unique to you. While we want to wrap you up in warmth and love and support, we can not fully “understand.” This is sacred space and healing within you. That being said, I am so happy that you are healing, even if it does mean that there is rage and a clearness of all that is around you and in you. I hear this and I think that without facing all of this, can never truly heal…if that makes sense.
My heart breaks that have days that are so incredibly hard, yet at the same time I celebrate all that you are doing and all that you are.
I thank you for sharing this with us because we can all relate to it in one way or another, and we all learn from your wisdom and beauty…and you are full of both of those things.
Love to you
xoxoxoxo
J
Susannah~ I think that this line struck me the most:
“When I’m in the eye of the storm I forget this, but the next day, when the sun is coming back into my world, I see how brave I am to peel back each layer, time and time again, to get to the truth.”
While this is a positive journey in that the end result will be one of contentment, I suppose that the journey itself is bound to be messy and unsettling some days. I think that you can not fully explain it to people because it is so unique to you. While we want to wrap you up in warmth and love and support, we can not fully “understand.” This is sacred space and healing within you. That being said, I am so happy that you are healing, even if it does mean that there is rage and a clearness of all that is around you and in you. I hear this and I think that without facing all of this, can never truly heal…if that makes sense.
My heart breaks that have days that are so incredibly hard, yet at the same time I celebrate all that you are doing and all that you are.
I thank you for sharing this with us because we can all relate to it in one way or another, and we all learn from your wisdom and beauty…and you are full of both of those things.
Love to you
xoxoxoxo
J
oh hon, there is so much here that i resonate with as tears fell and smiles embraced … the morning pages are good i think as i’ve been doing them for weeks now …
sending you lots of love and stretching out my arms across the way to embrace you …
oh hon, there is so much here that i resonate with as tears fell and smiles embraced … the morning pages are good i think as i’ve been doing them for weeks now …
sending you lots of love and stretching out my arms across the way to embrace you …
Oh sweetheart, your post brought tears to my eyes because I can relate to your feelings so well, I can feel your pain, even if for different reasons. You are such an honest and brave soul, it’s amazing and inspiring.
If I lived closer I’d give you a tight hug now. But I guess that has to wait until April.
xoxox
Oh sweetheart, your post brought tears to my eyes because I can relate to your feelings so well, I can feel your pain, even if for different reasons. You are such an honest and brave soul, it’s amazing and inspiring.
If I lived closer I’d give you a tight hug now. But I guess that has to wait until April.
xoxox
This post resonates with me Susannah and I feel like much of what you’ve written here, is inside my heart these days as well. I’m looking thru the darkness trying to find some light and coming here, reading your words have made me feel a little less alone.
This post resonates with me Susannah and I feel like much of what you’ve written here, is inside my heart these days as well. I’m looking thru the darkness trying to find some light and coming here, reading your words have made me feel a little less alone.
The grace of your vulnerability is a healing agent for others. The honesty you express is a gift that will return to you in ways you cannot yet imagine.
Love to you.
The grace of your vulnerability is a healing agent for others. The honesty you express is a gift that will return to you in ways you cannot yet imagine.
Love to you.
i don’t feel like i can say anything….i say that so often. the place you are in sounds so familiar to me, sweetie, for different reasons – and my heart aches along with you. i’m glad that you recognize how wonderful and brave you are, and i’m so happy that you are remembering to be gentle with yourself.
i just love you, susannah, and even though words are sort of failing me at this moment, i hope that my love gets to you, somehow, and envelops you.
i don’t feel like i can say anything….i say that so often. the place you are in sounds so familiar to me, sweetie, for different reasons – and my heart aches along with you. i’m glad that you recognize how wonderful and brave you are, and i’m so happy that you are remembering to be gentle with yourself.
i just love you, susannah, and even though words are sort of failing me at this moment, i hope that my love gets to you, somehow, and envelops you.
Susannah,
I can but listen, but listen I shall.
I glad your being gentle with yourself.
U.rel
Susannah,
I can but listen, but listen I shall.
I glad your being gentle with yourself.
U.rel
i love you.
i love you.
All I can say, brave Susannah, is that your words touch me deeply. In my experience, every time I got to the “rage stage” it meant the suffering phase had come to an end. With the rage, I found back my strength (the warrior within)… And from there, I was ready to leap. I know you will! x
All I can say, brave Susannah, is that your words touch me deeply. In my experience, every time I got to the “rage stage” it meant the suffering phase had come to an end. With the rage, I found back my strength (the warrior within)… And from there, I was ready to leap. I know you will! x
I think moving through this rage stage is so important. It is good to confront those feelings so you can be free of them I know because I am avoiding my rage at my dad with all my might :) You are so brave and strong my dear! I am always amazed by you.
Love you!!
PS:Tried calling for our phone date and missed you…I’ll be here all day with the exception of 1-2 my tiime if you wanna ring me back.
XOXOXOOXOX
I think moving through this rage stage is so important. It is good to confront those feelings so you can be free of them I know because I am avoiding my rage at my dad with all my might :) You are so brave and strong my dear! I am always amazed by you.
Love you!!
PS:Tried calling for our phone date and missed you…I’ll be here all day with the exception of 1-2 my tiime if you wanna ring me back.
XOXOXOOXOX
I feel such a profound spirit
when I visit here – you
are beautiful and creative
and so honest. You sparkle even
when you are in pain.
I once heard that when you have loved so truly once – you will
love again as your soul seeks it
out – it honours your love all the more as you carry it with you.
love, hugs,
see you when i get back :)
I feel such a profound spirit
when I visit here – you
are beautiful and creative
and so honest. You sparkle even
when you are in pain.
I once heard that when you have loved so truly once – you will
love again as your soul seeks it
out – it honours your love all the more as you carry it with you.
love, hugs,
see you when i get back :)
Morning pages are such a great way to focus oneself. That and coffee is the perfect start to anyday.
Morning pages are such a great way to focus oneself. That and coffee is the perfect start to anyday.
long distance relationship
that’s rather enormously moving
ouch
i’m sorry.
long distance relationship
that’s rather enormously moving
ouch
i’m sorry.
Yes, being gentle with yourself is the only way forward. You’re moving through enormous changes in your life and change – no matter how welcome – is always difficult. Writing it out is good, as is sharing your thoughts with friends. The hardest part is behind you, Susannah. Better days ahead, of that I’m certain! xo
Yes, being gentle with yourself is the only way forward. You’re moving through enormous changes in your life and change – no matter how welcome – is always difficult. Writing it out is good, as is sharing your thoughts with friends. The hardest part is behind you, Susannah. Better days ahead, of that I’m certain! xo
Yes, being gentle with yourself is the only way forward. You’re moving through enormous changes in your life and change – no matter how welcome – is always difficult. Writing it out is good, as is sharing your thoughts with friends. The hardest part is behind you, Susannah. Better days ahead, of that I’m certain! xo
Yes, being gentle with yourself is the only way forward. You’re moving through enormous changes in your life and change – no matter how welcome – is always difficult. Writing it out is good, as is sharing your thoughts with friends. The hardest part is behind you, Susannah. Better days ahead, of that I’m certain! xo
I am sitting here-imagining your head tilted, eyes squinted a bit as you blow smoke out to the side.
I remember the cool wind blowing around us as you shared journal writing with me.
You have a way of expressing emotions so deeply and intensly while still keeping your distance-you remind me of a beautiful leopard sitting tall-full of fierceness and dignity yet soft and cuddly.
I admire you and things in you that I want to pull out in me.
My heart aches for you and the frustration you must feel in some of these moments.
I want to scream to the gods to release you-and then remember you are doing a most brave thing.
You are peeling the layers-you are diligently reclaiming your life.
Through and at the end of this post-I had the strongest feeling that your journal and morning pages would be a great start to a book-to share this bravery and journey with others-to give them hope and drive to get to where you are going.
You are so beautiful and pure because of this work.
It makes you a rare and wise gem of a woman.
I love you angel.
Anniversaries and birthdays are so hard for me-I understand and I am here.
XOXOXOXO
I am sitting here-imagining your head tilted, eyes squinted a bit as you blow smoke out to the side.
I remember the cool wind blowing around us as you shared journal writing with me.
You have a way of expressing emotions so deeply and intensly while still keeping your distance-you remind me of a beautiful leopard sitting tall-full of fierceness and dignity yet soft and cuddly.
I admire you and things in you that I want to pull out in me.
My heart aches for you and the frustration you must feel in some of these moments.
I want to scream to the gods to release you-and then remember you are doing a most brave thing.
You are peeling the layers-you are diligently reclaiming your life.
Through and at the end of this post-I had the strongest feeling that your journal and morning pages would be a great start to a book-to share this bravery and journey with others-to give them hope and drive to get to where you are going.
You are so beautiful and pure because of this work.
It makes you a rare and wise gem of a woman.
I love you angel.
Anniversaries and birthdays are so hard for me-I understand and I am here.
XOXOXOXO
This–”and my insidious obsessive inclinations that keep me trapped in the same small shape I have always had when the real me is twice this size”–
Oh, yesyesyes. And yes. *sigh*
You ARE brilliant, and brave, and beautiful.
:)
This–”and my insidious obsessive inclinations that keep me trapped in the same small shape I have always had when the real me is twice this size”–
Oh, yesyesyes. And yes. *sigh*
You ARE brilliant, and brave, and beautiful.
:)
You’re the first fellow analysand I’ve ever found! I’ve been in the process of individuation for over 3 years now. My analyst told me that she has yet to meet a client who at some point didn’t say, “I wish I’d never started this.” It’s hard. You pass through so many dark phases as you stir the muck and poke sticks at your demons. Hang in there, Love. K
You’re the first fellow analysand I’ve ever found! I’ve been in the process of individuation for over 3 years now. My analyst told me that she has yet to meet a client who at some point didn’t say, “I wish I’d never started this.” It’s hard. You pass through so many dark phases as you stir the muck and poke sticks at your demons. Hang in there, Love. K
(Came in for the Poetry Thursday post and enjoyed reading Oliver. Thank you. I know now I need to read more of her.)
Oh, how I feel for you and it seems *with* you. I shall look up if individuation is the course of therapy that sounds so achingly (and sometimes comforting) familiar to how I (capital I, not buried “I”) am emerging to face the world.
Your reminder to be gentler to yourself is like a hug to me. Even before he died, I’ve always been too harsh on myself, placing impossible expectations. I need to treat myself as I do usually do others, with empathy, genoristy, understanding, support, and optimism.
Thank you for opening up about yourself on this roller coaster journey. My father died a few hours after my birthday a few years ago. (I just cringed and blinked back tears as I typed that. He’d be glad I’m connecting w/ other daughters. I’m still grappling with stages of grief. They’re not present everyday anymore, but I still often think of him daily.
Wise words that you cannot carry on “this long distance relationship alone.” Oh, I understand that rage, feelings of frustration, and utter exhaustion. Hugs to you! Sounds like you have a good therapist fit.
Oh Susannah, I’ve been there at that place between peace and rage following a death of someone I loved. What I can tell you is that the steps you are taking now, the choices you are making now, will take you to a better place in your future where you will be strong and happy again.