February, 2007
How to live
There are days like today when I almost can’t keep up with the stream of vibrant thoughts and plans flooding my head. And then there are days like yesterday, days when the fears and worries take hold and my internal sun is hidden behind a black cloud. It’s amazing to me how my emotions can swing so wildly when every twenty- four hours is seemingly the same, but these days I am learning how to keep my balance when the tightrope wobbles. Breathing slowly and with intention; opening my diary or art journal and letting myself express what it is I am feeling; sipping tea and giving myself half an hour with an inspiring book; cosying under a blanket on the sofa in the evening and watching a DVD that makes me laugh; a candle-lit bath before bed. These small things bring back the equilibrium when the walls threaten to crumble. I’m learning, I’m coping, and each day I live a little bit more fully.
February, 2007
April anxiety
Can anyone remind me why I’m choosing to turn my life upside down again and move back to London? The Fear has a hold of me today and even though I know why I have to leave here, and why my future will be found in the city, I’m scared. More precisely, I’m scared shitless – no flowery words needed to describe this feeling. If I’m in the city then I have no more excuses, because, on top of everything else, I’ll have a ridiculously large rent that I’ll have to ensure I can pay each month. Today I’m not sure I can do it. Everything seems to be speeding up, and I can’t find my running shoes. The words are blocked somewhere just below my belly, which is why my posts of late have been picture-based – it’s difficult to get the words out when The Fear is gripping your heart so tightly you can’t catch your breath or move from your seat. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me it’s going to be okay, because right now, I’m not doing a very convincing job.
The Journey
Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again
painting their
black shadows
on an open sky.
Sometimes everything
has to be
enscribed across
the heavens
so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.
Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that
first, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.
Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out
someone has written
something new
in the ashes
of your life.
You are not leaving
you are arriving.
~ David Whyte, The House of Belonging, 1997
