April anxiety
Can anyone remind me why I’m choosing to turn my life upside down again and move back to London? The Fear has a hold of me today and even though I know why I have to leave here, and why my future will be found in the city, I’m scared. More precisely, I’m scared shitless – no flowery words needed to describe this feeling. If I’m in the city then I have no more excuses, because, on top of everything else, I’ll have a ridiculously large rent that I’ll have to ensure I can pay each month. Today I’m not sure I can do it. Everything seems to be speeding up, and I can’t find my running shoes. The words are blocked somewhere just below my belly, which is why my posts of late have been picture-based – it’s difficult to get the words out when The Fear is gripping your heart so tightly you can’t catch your breath or move from your seat. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me it’s going to be okay, because right now, I’m not doing a very convincing job.
The Journey
Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again
painting their
black shadows
on an open sky.
Sometimes everything
has to be
enscribed across
the heavens
so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.
Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that
first, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.
Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out
someone has written
something new
in the ashes
of your life.
You are not leaving
you are arriving.
~ David Whyte, The House of Belonging, 1997
why? because you’re ready…
and we’re here…holding your hand…
Fear, anxiety, anticipation, destiny….
maybe they all feel the same, deep down in the pit of our stomachs.
maybe it is the fear of knowing that you are doing what is right, what is true, what is meant-to-be.
maybe it isn’t fear afterall, maybe it is POWER. you just don’t know it yet….
“I need someone to hold my hand and tell me it’s going to be okay”
You are fearing the “unknown” as we all do. Your hands are not empty; Your hands are Full of Love, Power and Creation which is Guiding you. Hold on… because all IS okay…
In Peace…
Lily
You have become so ready for the next stage of your journey, scary as it is, and new beginnings are always scary.
We are all here, all over the world, holding you up :)
You can do this !
ditto!
Me’ feels the same way too!!..(And I’ve done that..search endlessly in frantic for my running shoes…)
yesterday I pretended there were two me…the one who is doing the talking..and the other one whispering, “go on…say this..smile this way..you can do this..”..
weird I know..(lol!)…
point is..I’m not moving to London…( I wish I were hee!hee!)..but there are grand moves in my life as well..here..inside ov’ me…..and I got those grand fears too..and the losing the words as well….but ultimately we get to find the running shoes…wear it..and just…run…ye’…just run…one put forward..then the other one..then the other one…then the other one…
we are all running together..
This is how it aways feel when one emarks alone on a journey that will be truly life changing. I think we get this feeling so that when we look back, we can do so with so much pride and respect for ourselves. “My God I was soooooo scared and yet I did it and wow look at me know!!!!” Each time we do it we get braver, are able to take on more experiances, we may otherwise have been too scared to try. Accept the fear and know that you move forward with these grand plans and every part of your life will benefit from it :) You are in for an AMAZING year!
Hang on, S, you’ll be just fine!
Hi -
Once, when I was terrified of stepping out on my own and into the unknown, someone said the following to me:
“O.K., stay where you are.”
Deep within my core, I recoiled in horror and said “NO!”
Nineteen years later, I remain deeply grateful I took the risk and made the leap.
I wish you nothing but the best…
-Lee
Sounds like you’re about to give birth to a new life! Also, remember that you know the place you’re at now and that knowledge is available to you. You’re off on an adventure! Leap! We’ll go along, holding your hand!
Becca had this beautiful quote up on her blod earlier in the week… I’m going to borrow it and offer it to you, since it is one of my favorites indeed:
The teacher said to the students, “Come to the edge.”
They replied, “We might fall.”
The teacher said again, “Come to the edge.”
And they responded, “It’s too high.”
“Come to the edge” the teacher demanded.
And they came, and the teacher pushed them, and they flew.
~Apollinaire Guillaume~
X
Oh hon, I know the feeling of anxiety so well. This is the beginning of a new chapter in your life, and very often something as wonderful and exciting as a move can seem like the scariest thing on earth. I’m thinking of you, I’m holding your hand and I’m telling you that it’s going to be okay. Really. :) Hugs to you. xo
Can you feel my hand here across the pond? I can feel yours. The very best changes are the ones that make your stomach hurt and bind you with inert fear. I think if you weren’t scared shitless you’d be questioning yourself and wondering if you were making the right decision. You really are. These words are powerful from the poem,
“Sometimes everything
has to be
enscribed across
the heavens
so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.”
Believe. xo
Just keep taking one step at a time and remember to breathe. By the time you’ve settled in, you will feel like you’ve always been there.
Sending you a big hug of confidence.
Loved,loved,loved the poem! You have every right to feel the way you do. Just think what it would be like if you don’t go…We will be holding your hand every step of the way. You are not alone. Did you by any chance watch “Grey’s Anatomy” last night?
~Becky~
There are many positive responses here. I’m not sure if I can add much more except that you’ve been dreaming of this move for quite a long time now and pretty soon this dream is going to HAPPEN! It’s a huge step towards a new life. That IS scary but you are going to be OK. Moreover, you are going to be GREAT! What do you have to lose? An apartment by the sea. What might you gain? Everything!
i’m holding your hand, baby…do you feel me right there?
fear usually always accompanies a huge decision like this. it’s perfectly natural.
i say channel your myriad of emotions into packing and listening to funky music. that will help distract your wandering mind and focus, while making baby steps toward London.
whenever i think of you in London i get this swelling of excitement within that awesome happenings are coming your way. it feels pretty powerful, full of greatness and happiness for you.
i love you, girlfriend…you rock.
xoxo
Oh, but if these life changes were easier on us…but then again, they would not be so *perfectly* life altering if they were. I wish so much that you did have someone there holding your hand, although that being said, I think that you are your own best someone right now. This is ALL you…and the beautiful outcome will be ALL you. This will be such an awesome accomplishment on so many levels.
The anxiety and fear are absolutely a normal reaction; however, you are doing it, and somehow, I just know that you will do it with gusto!!! I wish you so much peace and joy as you embark on this move…and happiness beyond compare.
xoxoxoxo
I can FEEL you in London – it seems
such a perfect alive and vivid and
artistic place to feed your soul -
think “ahead” and imagine yourself in London – see yourself with an abundance
of inspiration and energy and …money!
See the smile on your face and feel the
energy as you put on your sneakers everyday
and head out into that vibrant city to
pursue your passions…
i think you have seen the secret -
(you introduced me to it in a post)
visualize the affirmative and
I can’t WAIT to see (?!) pictures of your
new flat!
love
hugs:)
I can FEEL you in London – it seems
such a perfect alive and vivid and
artistic place to feed your soul -
think “ahead” and imagine yourself in London – see yourself with an abundance
of inspiration and energy and …money!
See the smile on your face and feel the
energy as you put on your sneakers everyday
and head out into that vibrant city to
pursue your passions…
i think you have seen the secret -
(you introduced me to it in a post)
visualize the affirmative and
I can’t WAIT to see (?!) pictures of your
new flat!
love
hugs:)
I can FEEL you in London – it seems
such a perfect alive and vivid and
artistic place to feed your soul -
think “ahead” and imagine yourself in London – see yourself with an abundance
of inspiration and energy and …money!
See the smile on your face and feel the
energy as you put on your sneakers everyday
and head out into that vibrant city to
pursue your passions…
i think you have seen the secret -
(you introduced me to it in a post)
visualize the affirmative and
I can’t WAIT to see (?!) pictures of your
new flat!
love
hugs:)
I can FEEL you in London – it seems
such a perfect alive and vivid and
artistic place to feed your soul -
think “ahead” and imagine yourself in London – see yourself with an abundance
of inspiration and energy and …money!
See the smile on your face and feel the
energy as you put on your sneakers everyday
and head out into that vibrant city to
pursue your passions…
i think you have seen the secret -
(you introduced me to it in a post)
visualize the affirmative and
I can’t WAIT to see (?!) pictures of your
new flat!
love
hugs:)
Was it Socrates or Howard Jones who said, “a thousand skeptic hands won’t keep is from the things we plan, unless we’re clinging to the things we prize”?
Okay, cheesy as it may seem, I think there’s a lot of truth in those words. Admitting that you have fear is a good thing. But noting ventured, nothing gained. If it doesn’t work out for you in the big city, you can always move somewhere else.
You can do this. You’re stronger than you think.
Susannah,
Oh my pet. Suz, everything is going to be OK. Take my hand……………. got it? OK.
Put your head on my shoulder, close your eyes. Take a deep breath (at the same time, think the word; relax). Slowly let the breath out (at the same time thinking the word; now). Four more times, slowly…breath..r e l a x….exhale slowly…n o w. again, …again,…again. Starting to feel comfortable and more relaxed, peaceful and at ease.
Everything is OK, with each breath now feel your confidence growing. That’s the girl.
Everyday in everyway getting beter and better.
Big smile, open your eyes. refreshed!
U.rel
You are choosing to upend your life because like Frost said, “The only way out is through,” and you have to move through it to get into the next stage of life. I know you will get there, in my bones…I just do. And I know it will be worth it…
Love,
D.
Can you feel the hands reaching out in spirit to hold yours from all around the world? I hope so, because they’re real and strong. You can do it, Susannah!
Wow. I think Gypsy Girls post sums it up nicely. I can’t do anything for your trepidation and I can’t say anything that will make you heart more open and willing.
Sitting right in the middle of London as I type, I am excited about going for a late run, wandering through my favorite secondhand bookstores and explores sites unseen today.
I will though say that London requires energy and passion. If you don’t feel ready, then don’t. The worse thing you can do is to uproot yourself and then create a cave in this place. I have done that on occasion when hit lows and need to find safetly.
That said, London also tends to draw people out of shells with its glorious possibilities. Last night I went to a Lenbanese restaurant with an Itailian name and watched a Kazah belly dancer with my Armenian friend. Smile …
Good luck Susannah.
Susannah, just a reminder that change, however positive, is always scary. The thing we want the most is usually what scares us the most. One step at a time, one day at a time and you’ll be golden! And once you’re living in London again, awash with its energy and vibrance, you’ll wonder why you were ever worried! xo
It’s hard to see past your fear – but it can be done. Just hold onto the certainty that once you’re on the other side of it things will be so much better. You have the strength you need, you’ve just got to reach for it.
We’re here for you!
you are going to make it. you are going to land on your feet.
this de-lurks me.
we’re with you!
you have what it takes susannah…leap and the net will appear.
i love you. i got you.
You are making this move because deep down, on a gut level, you know it is what you want and need right now. I faced The Fear before moving to Moz, and again before making a big choice in terms of career. The Fear will always be lurking, but you will make it, girl! We’re all here cheering you on.
BTW, your photographs are lovely.
i think the fear will walk along with you and your beautiful courage and that is okay ~ i am often fearful of so many things that i sometimes think it is what drives me and it is those things that i fear the most that i know i want the most, deep down inside …
you are beautiful and talented and your soul shines so much gorgeous light, you will be fine and we will all be here by your side loving you …