March, 2007
Changing
After my love died I lost a lot of weight. Food wasn’t top of my list of priorities back then and the weight just dropped off me. Fast forward two years and he probably wouldn’t recognise me now. The weight is back, with a little extra to spare. I accept that this part of the journey; that sitting on my backside all day at this computer doesn’t bode well for keeping a trim figure, and neither does my not-that-old-but-feeling-it-today age of 34. But it’s very disheartening to have clothes hanging in my wardrobe that are too small for me. The jeans that used to fall off me without a belt (oh so annoying) are now a little too… snug, shall we say. Favorite tops and cardigans leave me feeling constricted and hemmed in. My bust has taken on a life of its own, requiring certain coats to be left undone.
I’ve never had to deal with this before, but today I decided to tackle it head on and buy new clothes that actually fit me. There were skinny pink-cheeked students in the cubicle next door, trying on clothes that I wore in the late 80s. And then there was me, trying on the bigger trousers, the looser tops, the more stomach-flattering dresses. And it felt okay. I decided I would much rather wear clothes that don’t cut me in half, that don’t leave waistband marks branded across my middle. I’m a size bigger – and not just sartorially. It feels like another layer of my old self I am shedding, and I don’t mind at all. I think I officially became a woman today.
March, 2007
Flickritis
The discovery of Flickr has been such a joy, taking me back to my college days when we shared our photographs and discussed their artistic merits (or lack of). There is so much inspiration and camaraderie out there, so many talented people using cameras to document their worlds and dreams, families and selves. The online communities that are growing through blogging and photosharing are changing the world, they really are. How can we claim to not understand each other when I can now read about life in Afghanistan or Seattle or India or Sydney? When a close friend I first met online is moving to Uganda, who will share her experiences and enrich our appreciation of other cultures. Today all of this is blowing my mind a little bit, as I prepare to move my home, prepare to change my horizon again. The world feels more full of possibilities today than it did yesterday. Maybe it’s because the sun came out and shone so brightly through my kitchen window all day. Perhaps it’s because my sister is well, and phoned me this afternoon to talk about plans for the future…
March, 2007
Sending love
I think I’m still on red alert after the emotional strain of last week. I can’t settle or concentrate, and the flat feels too quiet when I’d much rather be with my sister. We live two hours from each other, a distance easily traversed when the call for help is sounded. But my other sisters, the women I care about as if they were my family, live further away, and it is hard to not be able to get to them when they need me. Today I sit quietly and think of my dear friend Thea, who is going through something I wish she didn’t have to face. My body may not be there, but the rest of me – the real me – is there with her, holding her hand and stroking her face…
March, 2007
Update
I’m writing this from Bristol to tell you that my sister is okay – she doesn’t need brain surgery. We are all completely strung out after these last 72 hours, but we are so relieved. I’ll write more when i get back home – right now i need to go hug my sister! Thank you all so much for your support – it made such a difference to know i had such powerful allies out there, so thank you from me, Abby, my mum and Steve x
Updated to add this photo of my sis, taken this morning (Saturday) as we went to get the paper, so grateful to be doing something normal, together, arm in arm. Sisters forever.
