Changing
After my love died I lost a lot of weight. Food wasn’t top of my list of priorities back then and the weight just dropped off me. Fast forward two years and he probably wouldn’t recognise me now. The weight is back, with a little extra to spare. I accept that this part of the journey; that sitting on my backside all day at this computer doesn’t bode well for keeping a trim figure, and neither does my not-that-old-but-feeling-it-today age of 34. But it’s very disheartening to have clothes hanging in my wardrobe that are too small for me. The jeans that used to fall off me without a belt (oh so annoying) are now a little too… snug, shall we say. Favorite tops and cardigans leave me feeling constricted and hemmed in. My bust has taken on a life of its own, requiring certain coats to be left undone.
I’ve never had to deal with this before, but today I decided to tackle it head on and buy new clothes that actually fit me. There were skinny pink-cheeked students in the cubicle next door, trying on clothes that I wore in the late 80s. And then there was me, trying on the bigger trousers, the looser tops, the more stomach-flattering dresses. And it felt okay. I decided I would much rather wear clothes that don’t cut me in half, that don’t leave waistband marks branded across my middle. I’m a size bigger – and not just sartorially. It feels like another layer of my old self I am shedding, and I don’t mind at all. I think I officially became a woman today.
Oh, I’m hearing you Sus ~ I think the official term is ‘blogger’s butt’ :-)
As for the youngsters, once I was in Miss Selfridge berating their ungenerously small sizes ~ when two girls in the next cubicle were discussing how they must make the size 8s there (which were hanging off them) huge to make the fat people feel better ~ mortifying!
Good job I love my curves now…
And you, my love, are still, DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!!!!
love bb x x x x x
i was looking at the photo of you in the top of the post thinking how slim you look…not that it matters what size you are, as long as you’re happy with who you are, but i just thought it’s so funny how screwed up sizing is now. you look healthy and beautiful, and that’s what should count.
i was shopping the other day in this trendy boutique and i realized that clothing stores have invented a new size – the double zero. DOUBLE ZERO. i’ve basically been the same weight, give or take, since i was 13, and back then i was an 8. now, thanks to vanity sizing, i’m either a 2, 3, or 4. when i was a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding 4 years ago i fit into a size 0. it’s unnatural and scary that there are (women, although i’m positive this affects men too, but in a different way) who would starve themselves to fit into a dress/skirt etc. that makes them, essentially, into nothing.
whoa for the philosophising. oops. sorry! :)
You look more beautiful than ever in that photo…but it has nothing to do with sizes, it’s the bit of fire in your eyes. I hope you know how truly lovely you are…
–D.–
Don’t know if it’s the photo, but you appear to be a healthy weight to me, definitely not overweight. I strive for health instead of a number or the snugness of my pants. I hope you will as well.
Susannah,
I think becoming a woman becomes you! ;-)
rel
thanks for your concern, Kelly, but don’t worry. i’m not so bothered by the size of my clothes as the fact that my old clothes don’t feel comfortable. i accept that my body’s changing and simply want to feel comfortable in my clothes rather than fight against it.
I’m 5′ 9″ and a generous size 12, though what size i am, quite frankly, isn’t relevant. i’m not wanting to change my body – i simply want to work *with* it, not against. obviously regular exercise would improve my overall health, but that’s another post :-)
You make a great looking woman! XXOO
You look gorgeous!
XO
hey gorgeous you ~ you look amazing, strong, beautiful :)
becoming a woman looks good on you ;-)
My Dear, as always, you inspire me. I too am in search of the wardrobe that fits-me-suits-me-is-me. Thank you for leading the way. Unabashedly.
xxoo, Graciel
First off, you are so gorgeous and all woman.
Secondly, I had a deja vu moment reading this post as I spent this afternoon shopping for clothing that fit and flatter rather then bind and constrict as I have been feeling the same way about my clothes for a while.
I haven’t been able to lose the weight I gained for the short time I was pregnant and decided to finally just go with it rather then fight with my body.
Like you, I was completely okay with it and secretly smiled at the skinny kids next to me trying on 80′s clothes that I used to where when I was also that skinny. It made me realize how far I have come.
Love to you as you continue to heal and grow.
I hear you about being comfortable in your clothes and more importantly, accepting your beautiful self as you are. I need to do this more. You look gorgeous Sus. xo
You look sooooo gorgeous in that photo! Yay for new clothes that feel good – that’s a Good Thing.
I realised one day that I had gained 30 kg over the years ( a lot of years) and it was time to do something about it – I have lost a lot of weight in the last six months, my trousers are all too loose but my bust has changed not one bit. I’m gradually accepting that I’ll always be generously proportioned up there. Which makes it very difficult to buy clothes I feel comfortable in as they are all sized for a “B” cup. I picked up a copy of Threads magazine which has instructions for altering patterns for bigger busted women – I suspect it will be much used.
I never felt fat, even 30 kg heavier. I added it evenly all over. I read about people who lose 12 kg and drop from a size 16 to a 10 – well, for me 12 kg is about one trouser size, or less than that for tops. For me the real reason to lose weight is that I feel fitter and more energetic. Looks would be a very small part of it, if I could actually find clothes I like that fitted.
how weird because i did the same thing today. perhaps you, me and Schmoops were channeling one another?
i’m actually a few sizes bigger than i was before i met Bing. today i actually tried on some clothes in my size and i didn’t mind what i saw. i felt like a woman too and laughed at the teens next to me complaining about fitting into a size 4 rather than a 2.
you truly are gorgeous, Sus. you are tall and graceful and modelesque. i remember in Seattle drooling over your gorgeous legs when slipping into bed. i never knew you before and i think now, you are perfect just as you are.
so glad you are feeling more comfy in your skin and are falling back in love with yourself.
i sure love you.
xoxox monkey butt (and do i ever have one!)
thanks for being so kind, chaps :-) i bought this dress thinking i could wear it in London when i finally get back into socialising – good for dinner or drinks? t covers all the lumps and bumps and still looks okay. having a slight footwear problem though :-)
this might sound stupid but that last line made me cry just a little bit. you are such an example of maturity!
I’m one of those someones who has gone up and down dress sizes like a yoyo for two decades (sometimes for good reason, sometimes not), so it’s comforting to see you be so level-headed about this change and take this in your stride.
the life journey you are travelling is a hard but beautiful and wisdom-filled one and you enlighten me. you do.
oh and btw you look gorgeous in that dress! I particularly love the celtic design at the bottom :)
Oh this made me smile!
I remember the day I realized that I had breasts. To be honest – it was a few short years ago (+/- 30). I was trying on clothes because … well … nothing felt right anymore. One shirt had a v-neck I think and well I walked out of the dressing room and the sales lady exlaimed – “that shirt really shows off your healthy cleavage”.
(I just about died there in shock)
I bought the shirt and put it on again my in my own four walls and just stood there looking. And suddenly it occured to me – yes, they were MY boobs reflecting back.
Damn – it felt good to realize that I had joined womanhood.
Smile …
(this post was WAY too personal)
…and what a woman you are! You look fabulous Susannah!!! I so love this look on you. It feels like an extension of you… like the blossoming of you. I don’t know how else to say it except that in every aspect of your being you fill me with wonder.
xo~B
That’s a terrific photograph of you, Susannah! Is that one of the dresses you bought today? WOW! You look beautiful in it!
First of all: HEElloo Mis Thang! Hottie Tottie! You are BEautiFUL.
Now, I also went through this after having kids. I came to a point where after gaining a TON, and lossing some of it, I realized, okay. This is really me. I am not the size I was at 20, but this is an okay– womanly place to be. This is me now.
And forget trying to jerk my ass into something not cozy! Must be cozy.
:)
I think you are embracing yourself, right where you’re at now, and it’s incredibly wonderful. Much peace & love to you, JP
AND honey… can I say… YOU LOOK HOT!!!!
Really beautiful gorgeous sexi 34yro HOT!!!
Bx
Oooooo You are sooooo hot right now! I wrote a comment on this post before, but if must be lost in cyber space…
I so have to get me one of those dresses…. So cute…
Love the new look, it suits you well…
Thank you for your e-mail, I’ll endeavour to reply tomorrow… Today just seemed to slip away from me,
Big hugs,
Love Toni
I think you look wonderful! And happy.
YOU are beautiful just as you are today and will be tomorrow.
I understand that moment of ‘giving in’ to the new size and it has a lot to do with loving who you are in that moment. Something we all say we want to do, but somehow fail.
Yeah for you being a winner and choosing to love!
never have I left remembering the heart of who you are :)
xoox darlene
You are absolutely stunning girl!
I am loving myself in my 30′s. Despite things not being where they used to be, stretched, grown or shrunk through pregnancy :) I feel better about my body than ever before. I now have a style of my own that cannot be dictated by current fashion (although when they coincide the credit card gets a work out LOL)
You are becoming more and more YOU everyday, and its very becoming indeed.
Watch out London, here she comes ;)
Love
Jodes
You look gorgeous.
I wish I could embrace the snugness of my pants with as much grace and wisdom as you’ve shared here.
Hot to trot hunny ;-)
As a lover of the ladies … Im trying not to look at your picture to much cos fairy will rip off my head … but can I say what an attractive women you are ;-)
O and the big boob thing, I have those too … and yes … they do have a life of there own … they get more attention than me … a girl could get jealous ;-)
Kisses darling xXx
that last line made me tear up! doesn’t it feel good to embrace womanhood! you are a knockout!
Well, you LOOK wonderful. And this post hit a nerve with me, because I haven’t lost ANY of the babyweight yet, and it’s been almost two years. And I’ve been putting off buying clothes that fit, but it’s so disheartening to still be wearing clothes I hate because I don’t fit in anything nice.
*sigh*
You’ve inspired me to go shopping, babycakes! xoxo, M
You are gorgeous INSIDE and OUT….and you are totally rockin’ that dress! The important thing is that you are happy with you; it does not matter what size or shape you are. You are an amazing woman, pure and simple, and I believe that pure forth from you always.
love to you
xoxoxo
all i can say is…
you look GORGEOUS!!!
hug!
I love your words and relections here.
They are inspiration for me as I become comfortable with becoming a woman.
Gorgeous photo, fabulous dress, wonderful womanly post. Love you!
PS: I live in loose, flowing and comfy clothes here thanks to the requirement for modesty and I don’t know if I’ll every back. Except, of course, for the odd pair of sexy jeans or a peak of shoulder!
It’s strange how certain events in our lives take a toll on our physical health and appearance, especially when we reach our 30′s. I think you look fabulous! :)
you look gorgeous!! not shy or unsure here, but bold.
very very beautiful.