Love
Are your parents married or divorced?
They divorced over 20 years ago
Do you believe in heaven?
I have my own thoughts on this, which would take a long time to explain.
Have you ever come close to dying?
There have been moments in the last two years when I have considered it very seriously. I hope I never have to be in that place again.
What jewellery do you wear 24/7?
I wear my Boho necklaces, Superhero necklace, Wright & Teague pendants and rings daily (but not necessarily all at the same time). All jewellery is removed before bed.
Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Of course!
Do you wear makeup?
Yes, if I’m going out of the house.
Would you ever have plastic surgery?
I hope I’d never feel I needed it, though I’ve considered some preventative Botox shots for my increasingly noticeable frown lines.
What do you wear to bed?
Nothing. I hate wearing clothes in bed (though I do if I have house guests).
Have you ever done anything illegal?
Yes.
Can you roll your tongue?
Yes.
Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?
No.
Do you believe in abortions?
Yes, very much so.
What is your hair colour?
Dark blonde, with added high-lights and low-lights.
Future child’s name, boy and girl?
Strangely, for someone who claims she’s not sure if she’ll ever want children, I keep a list in my Filofax of names I like. Current favourites include Evangeline, Audrey and Gabriel.
Do you smoke?
Yes.
If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
In no particular order: New York, San Diego, San Francisco, Morocco, Rome, New Zealand, Thailand.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
What a stupid question. No.
If you won the lottery, what would you do first?
Pay off all my debts, then get on a plane.
Gold or Silver?
Silver.
Hamburger or hot dog?
Salad.
If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Papaya
City, beach or country?
All at different times, for different reasons.
What was the last thing you touched?
My computer mouse…. my mug of decaf coffee.
When’s the last time you cried?
Last night.
What colour are your pants?
If you mean a leg-covering item, denim. If underwear: black.
Ever been involved with the police?
Yes, though not for anything i’d done!
What’s your favourite shampoo/conditioner and soap?
I use Tresemme as it suits my hair; Alba or Lush body wash
Do you talk in your sleep?
No.
Ocean or pool?
Ocean for jumping, splashing and floating; pool for swimming.
What’s your favourite song at the moment?
Anything by Emily Maguire.
Have you ever had a cavity?
No.
Window seat or aisle seats?
Aisle for more (imagined) leg room.
Ever met anyone famous?
Yes, though no one A-list (what a stupid term).
Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?
Emotionally and spiritually: yes, so far so good. Financially: not yet.
Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Twirl.
Are you self-conscious?
I can be, yes.
Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Happily, no I haven’t.
Last gift you received?
Amazing Afghanistani jewellery from Frida.
What occasion did you receive your gift?
When she came to stay; because she’s a sweetheart.
Last thing you spent lots of money on?
My new 50mm lens.
Where do you live?
By the sea.
Last wedding attended?
Zoe and Fred’s amazing candle-lit winter wedding, over three years ago.
Favourite restaurant?
L’Escargot in Soho, for the memories.
What is your favourite kind of car?
Any that I owned (I don’t).
What’s your least favourite chore(s)?
All of them!
Favourite drink?
Sparkling water, earl grey or mint rooibos tea, wine.
Sunday
Today we went to the farmers’ market…
and bought incense and cake, sweet potatoes and jam.
We rode in our VW camper van…
signed up for a belly dancing class…
and had mashed-up banana for lunch (well, Alfie did).
Nearly one
Warp speed
Beautiful Christine, 2007
Maybe one day we’ll be able to transmit our blog posts direct to the internet using the power of our intention, without the need for typing. I forget sometimes that you the (lovely) reader doesn’t always know what’s going on with me, so I thought I’d fill you in:
1. Am staying an extra two months by the sea so I can continue to work on my photography portfolio, ready for my relaunch back in the city.
2. Did I mention that I’m reinventing myself as a photographer, completing the circle from when I first walked into a darkroom aged 19? Funny how your first artistic love never goes away… it just waits for the right moment to blossom.
3. I want to have a day job in my life that I’m passionate about, so I can spend the rest of my time writing my book.
4. Who knew that being a pro photographer in this day and age requires some sophisticated Photoshop skills? It’s a steep learning curve for me as I’m so old-school - where are the dev tanks and enlargers?
5. Having said all that, I’m embracing the digital world as an exciting new challenge.
6. I’m focussing on child and adult portraits at the moment: if you live in the south of England and would like your picture taken, get in touch!
7. Taking photographs makes me really happy.
(On a side note, I thought today was my one-year blogiversary, but it turns out I got the dates wrong and it was in fact on the 12th *slaps forehead*)
Finding purpose
“Everyone has been called for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in their heart.” ~ Rumi
It’s so easy to become discouraged, so easy to think you can’t do it. So easy to look at those who have gone before you and sit back down knowing they are better and so you should not even try. But I know there will always be better writers, better photographers, better poets than me, but does that mean I should not try? For the old me, the answer would have been yes. But that was before…
I’m not big on self-help books, but I’ve been reading a little pocket-sized book that was sent to me by the author a few years ago. I’d interviewed life coach Fiona Harrold a couple of times for articles I was writing, and each time we’d had a fantastic chat, not only about the topic I was writing about, but also about life – more specifically, about my life. Life coaching, when done well, is an amazing tool and Fiona very generously shared her time and wisdom with me.
Just as bereavement redefines your relationship with the one who died, grief redefines your relationship with yourself and the world. The changes in me have been radical, yet there are still a few layers that need to be peeled off, washed and aired, and reapplied. With the move to London so imminent I’ve been plotting my return, and trying to work out who I am. Am I a journalist, a writer or a photographer? I am all of these, yet I’ve been feeling the need for more clarity, for a greater sense of my purpose. This morning I read an exercise in Fiona’s book Reinvent Yourself that brought my thoughts into focus:
“Answer these simple questions with five words or a short statement for each:
1. What do you want most out of life?
2. What do you want to see happen in the world?
3. What makes you special?
4. What things can you do/are you capable of doing right now?
Now write this statement as follows:
I will… (choose one answer from 4), using my… (answer from 3), to accomplish (answer from 2), and in so doing achieve… (answer 1).
Now you have a mission statement that gives you a purpose and strengthens your sense of self. Repeat this exercise on a regular basis to fine-tune and hone.”
~ Reinvent Yourself, Fiona Harrold, 2004.
I realised that for the last two years my purpose had been to survive the pain; later it was to heal. Now it seems to be to live, and to live I want to be doing things and engaging with the world. I’ve written out my mission statement, and it occurred to me that there is no reason why I can’t achieve whatever I set my mind to. The only factor that ever stopped me before was me, but that naïve girl is no longer here. She has been replaced with a wise sage, a warrior woman, a survivor. Now I know how short life is; it’s about time I started living it to the full.
Tired smiles
It’s been a good, unusual, expansive, creative, friend-filled, nurturing and utterly exhausting week, and really, I’m sad it’s over. It started last Saturday in London and ended at lunchtime today. It included a party I left at the unheard of time of 5am, a wicked hangover, being locked out of a flat with said hangover, dinner with a friend, brunch with the girls, a wonderful visit with a bloggie friend I absolutely adore, photographs snapped by the sea, lots of wine, laughs, heartfelt sharing and an unexpected visit with yet another friend this morning, resulting in more pictures being taken.
And now I’m a rather tired :-)
Spending a few days with Frida was such a treat, and listening to her describing her work as a Human Rights Officer in Afghanistan was in turns humbling and awe-inspiring. If there is anyone in this world who has the heart, the soul, the resilience and the passion to change the world, it’s Frida. I feel I’ve made a friend for life, one I hope I’ll get to see again soon.
And so here I am on a Friday night, with the television mumbling to itself in the corner, the incense swirling around my shoulders and the wine chilling in the fridge. Plans are in motion and my heart is full. I hope this feeling sticks around for a while…
Panzanella, wine and chocolate
Like buses, bloggers seem to come in twos. This week I have a fabulous house guest who right this moment is sitting on my sofa, drinking red wine and playing with her laptop. Guess what we did today…
One day
Echo and Shadow
A room
and a room. And between them
she leans in the doorway
to say something,
lintel bright above her face,
threshold dark beneath her feet,
her hands behind her head gathering
her hair to tie and tuck at the nape.
A world and a world.
Dying and not dying.
And between them
the curtains blowing
and the shadows they make on her body,
a shadow of birds, a single flock,
a myriad body of wings and cries
turning and diving in complex unison.
Shadows of bells,
or the shadow of the sound
they make in the air, mornings, evenings,
everywhere I wait for her,
as even now her voice
seems a lasting echo
of my heart’s calling me home, its story
an ocean beyond my human beginning,
each wave tolling the whole note
of my outcome and belonging.
~ Li-Young Lee, Book of My Nights, 2001
Dear Ink on my Fingers,
I thought it was about time I checked in with you, dear blog, and explained why it is I have not been around so much these last few weeks. I know you don’t hold it against me, but I can’t help but feel a little bit guilty. You and I have been together for nearly a year now, and you mean a lot to me. So anyway, the reason for my lacklustre blogging is that am completely and utterly overwhelmed by life right now. I am hanging on by my fingernails. I am living simultaneously in the past and the future. This afternoon I allowed myself to get excited about my trip to London this weekend, swiftly followed by an hour of staring into space, reflecting on the last two years. This has been happening a lot recently, and I’m assuming it’s because I’m preparing to make such a bit change in my life again. I can almost smell the scent of coffee and cigarettes wafting along the Soho streets, can almost imagine myself doing my shopping in the Crouch End M&S, picking up a few books in the little book store I can’t remember the name of, can almost envisage the dinner parties I’ll have in my new flat, can almost see myself rocking up to parties and flirting with attractive men. Okay, that last bit I can’t really imagine, but I hope one day I’ll be able to do it. April has brought such bright sunlight with it, and I know I can’t hide here for much longer. I’d quite like to though…
It occurred to me that it is love that makes life bearable, that it is the connection we feel with others that makes us feel less alone. It sounds obvious, but for a long time now I have kept myself very small, to avoid disappointment, to avoid the pain that comes from loving. But there is a part of me that craves the attention of a lover, that wants that again. My dear blog, I am scared that I am never going to experience that again, not because it’s not out there, but because i am so fundamentally scarred I won’t allow myself to open my heart – why would I do something so dangerous and foolhardy?
There, I’ve said it. This is what is making me want to hide under a blanket on my sofa. That and all the money worries (so what’s new?). I’ll check in again with you soon, I promise.
Affectionately yours,
Me
Betty on the beach
One of the nicest things about being a blogger is the amazing people it brings into your life. I spent the day with Elisabeth today, and we just didn’t stop talking and laughing. For someone who is ten years younger than me (a fact we both found hilarious) she has such a wise head on her shoulders, and I know she’s going to make a wonderful primary school teacher when she finishes her studies. She’s also absolutely bloody gorgeous!
