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Holga self portrait for SPC
The problem with spending a few days out of your normal routine is that when you return you want that routine, the one that has held you afloat for so long, to be changed. It doesn’t fit like it did just a few day ago.
We had a lovely time, the five of us, reading and cooking, chatting and playing games. The weather was rainy and grey and kept us inside our beautifully converted cottage in the middle of a forest, but we didn’t mind. There was sewing and making and decisions about where to have dinner to be made.
Yet away from the distractions of email, internet, television and phones, I found myself feeling unanchored and uneasy, and this manifested in a way it hasn’t for quite some time: hot, wet, self-piteous tears, tears that refused to stop.
I’ve become very adept at pushing emotions away. The tears that fell had been building, and as soon as I stopped running, they caught up with me. I miss him, that doesn’t stop – may never stop – but there is something growing that is starting to eclipse the missing of my love…
It’s the missing of love, the missing of intimacy.
And it took a morning of tears and my sister’s comforting hugs and understanding words to really let the penny drop. The grief falls away like a dead leaf from a branch and in its place is the shoot of something new, some new potential happiness that is waiting to be nurtured, that wants to be given a chance despite me doing everything I can to stop it.
I don’t know what to do with this realisation, but now I’ve acknowledged it it’s floating around me, making my skin itch, making my muscles ache. How do you get back on the horse after something like this?
the 
Oh, Beautiful. I wish I knew for sure! My best guess is that you just DO. You just get back on. Because it comes down to your two choices: Get back on, or be alone. And that longing for love is telling you what your choice is. You are not a woman who is meant to be alone. You are a woman who should be loved up! You can’t let all that heart and sexiness go unloved. No. That is not the way it is meant to be.
Now here is my plan for you: Get on a jet, and come to Northern California. Then a-man-hunting we will go! Kory has lots of guy friends just waiting to meet a woman way out of their league. ;)
OX I woke up wondering about you today.
:)
I’m not sure there’s trying involved. Just as this realization has come, so will the rest. It is a natural progression of a heart that is healing, and I think that reaching those emotional milestones will create changes in your demeanor that will be sensed by others. It makes me smile to see you turning this corner (even if it involves the shedding of tears).
xoxo Star
Oh, Ambers plan sounds delicious. I think it’s true though, you just have to try again because the alternative, eventually, becomes unacceptable. It doesn’t mean you love him any less, but I know that any man that loved you Sus, would want you to love again, would demand that of you, eventually. I like to read that your skin is itching, that you’ve got a new found awareness surrounding you. New horizons honey. xo
You’ve been making steady steps into a new life, and even though there are tears along the way, you’re doing moving forward. I’m glad your sister was there to help you through a tough time.
And yes, Amber’s plan is excellent. ;)
I’m a nurse.
So…..let me remind you that when your “wound” begins to itch, healing is happening.
By golly, you deserve a healing and a blessing!
Go to Amber…go live and love and scratch that itch!
{{you}}
i like amber’s plan and also nancy’s idea :) thinking of you ~ moving forward, healing, dancing and being oh so very beautiful … tears and smiles … warm hugs! xox
I’m sitting here, not sure what to write. I wish this could be easier for you, Susannah. It sounds like you know now that you are ready to move on and to open your heart again to someone new. I think Kristen is right – your past Love would want you to find happiness and love and intimacy again. You deserve a fulfilled life.
oh dear, you are healing. and this must be just the right thing for you right now. get back on that horse with passion and power, even if it is slowly but surely.
xo
You let it take its own good time. Just like you have been til now babe. You let the getting back up happen as slowly as it needs. But eventually you get back up because you are a sexy, loving, hot-blooded, living woman and not getting up again ever would mean not saying yes to all that.
After my divorce it took me years before I even tried getting back on that horse, and the first few years after that I wasn’t really trying, I just thought I was. But turns out that was just the practice I needed and I got there in the end. Now I love with all my heart and have my heart broken every few years – how’s that for progress!
Not much more than I week til I see you, hug you, drink up the goodness of you. Love you, gorgeous.
oh, you.
i am holding you in my heart space.
sending soothing.
oh, i think i do understand some of this in a deep way.
i am sitting there with you.
offering you the bits & pieces that are most nourishing to you.
blessings, dear one. endless, endless blessings to you, brave one.
xoxo,
gem
Oh, my goodness! I’m excited, sad, and nervous for you all at the same time!
I can’t even begin to imagine what your “right now” feels like.
I’m thinking a little like standing in the kitchen barefoot after dropping your favorite flower vase. You know that if you navigate this just right, you will get out of the room okay, but one wrong step could leave you cut and wounded. But what wound doesn’t heal? You are seeing that even now. Where will you go if you don’t take the step? Will you just stand there looking at all the shattered glass?
I hope you know that all our hearts are with you, smiling at you.
PS~ California Boys are sexy!
Here’s another vote for Amber’s plan. (Amber is a smart cookie!)
I love this photo, Susannah.
Oh Susannah, I know exactly where you are. Where all your feelings related to passionate love and intimacy are connected to just one person, who is no longer in your life.
At first you grieve the loss of the person and the feelings together as one.
Then there’s the guilt and confusion as you begin to miss them separately and wonder what that all means. How can they be the love of your life if you are longing to experience that look, that kiss, that caress once more and know that it will have to come from someone new?
You hope desperately there is some 12 step plan to get through it all, only to discover it is apparently a 659 step plan with lots of seemingly backwards steps. But it’s a path that needs to be trod and we learn much along the way,
When “it” happens it will take you by surprise, and you will realise it is no dishonour to your love, to celebrate life and express yourself as a complete, passionate, vibrant woman. He would not wish for you a life devoid of intimacy just because he cannot share it with you.
No one can say how long it will be, you can feel ready and still not have the opportunity arise, or there can clearly be men interested, but none that interest you.
In the end there is just faith
Faith that if you keep your heart open, there will be many more chances in this life to experience the bliss that exists between two people in love.
Keep the faith.
Keep taking those breathtaking photographs.
Keep going and let those tears flow when the need arises.
You will find love again, and it will be all the more precious to you, because of your experiances.
Jodes
Hi Susannah,
I love reading your blog and today I want to leave a comment. Although everyone else has already pretty much said it. And your own analogy of the dead leaf and small bud is just perfect. Who says that there can only be one love in your life? A heart has amazing capacity and it is possible to keep one love tucked away in a safe corner while opening up the rest for someone else. Let the bud be your guide.
By the way, I love those Holga photos, I am very tempted to get one myself.
Take care,
Kerstin
Hi,
I’ve only recently come across your blog and I love the warmth and honesty with which you write.
Hmm, well whether you’re now ready to leap into a relationship (doubtful), or you’re beginning to notice an ‘itch’, it’s all part of the healing as Nancy said. Human beings are social creatures; we’re not meant to be on our own. I guess I’m trying to say that you’re in a healthy place; just imagine if having no love in your life didn’t bother you at all…
Sounds like a big step forward to me. But I understand that as wonderful and precious as that kind of realisation is, it can also be frightening and upsetting, especially when it’s so off the routine. I’m thinking of you, beautiful, as you continue to heal and grow. Much love to you. xx
So bittersweet…by living and loving well, you honor the experiences you had with your love. It is a testament to the fact that you shared such a powerful relationship you couldn’t help but to seek out love again because you knew how good it could be! I’m thinking of you…
Love,
D.
Something similiar happened to me when I visited my best friend in who was in Sacremento. The last night I was there, I broke down on her thinking of the love I’d lost, the children I would never have. But I found love again and I the most beautiful son. It didn’t happen overnight. It took many years for it happen. Hopefully it won’t be as long for you.
beautiful photo, love the wave
hey susannah, i don’t know what happened, but i wish that all the warmth and healing these sweet comments/friends also hope for you come your way too. best, xoxo jenny
I am smiling for you.
Bx
Oh, I agree with everyone, Amber’s plan is the best! :-)
I also agree that while this is so bittersweet for you, it is a huge indication that you are healing. Just the fact that you miss love and intimacy; that is huge…and one day, you will be ready to let it creep back in. Just look at where you are now verses where you were one year ago, or even six months ago. Your world has opened up and come alive. Love will follow that when you are ready.
Sending you warmth and hugs.xoxoxox
just Stand.
i love you.
I was recently and repeatedly reminded that birthing pains hurt. The start of something new is agony, forcing something new into being whether you wanted the change or not, and probably has to be for the new life to mean anything much. And SOMETIMES, as I’m crawling around on the floor weeping in bleak despair at the exhaustive labour and hopelessness of effort, I remember this and take a bit of comfort from it. Obviously I usually just fall into a pit and wallow there until someone drags me out. Birthing partners might be a bit important too.