A new path
I was recently presented with an opportunity to gauge how far along in my healing journey I am, to clarify what it is I want and don’t want, and once again think about the sort of man I would like to share my life with. We’re coming up to the three-year anniversary of his death in March, and through the good and the bad, it feels important to acknowledge how lonely these years have been. I know now that sometimes loneliness is needed, time alone to sort through the debris and have the chance to mend your sails before you set off on another voyage; time to work out your place on the earth without the need of another person to anchor you; time to meet yourself in your heart and sit with her without judgement or expectation. It’s never easy, but it is essential.
I’ve worried that I was becoming an armour-plated bionic woman who’d protected herself so effectively that the softness inside was shielded from view, but I see that as much as that was needed to keep me safe in the cold months of healing, it’s now necessary to take a breath and step back out there. I know it’s not something you can plan, not really, but what I can do is stay open to all possibilities, to all paths. I’m ready to listen carefully to the wisdom of the wind and see where it takes me. To outside eyes I may not look or appear to be doing anything different, but the shift inside has been profound – I no longer feel like I am betraying what we shared by wanting to find love again. Instead, I hope that I simply honour all I have learned, and all that I have to give – with his blessing.
I’ve been reading through the blog posts for this year and there were two in particular that stood out for me – this post brought tears, and this post made me spill my coffee – I’d forgotten I’d written it. I guess they couldn’t be more different, but they both illustrate the yearning I’ve felt this last year, for the past and for the future. But recently I’ve been living more and more in the present, and it feels so good.
A new year is coming and perhaps the long shadow of his death, and all that came after it, will finally retreat so the light can shine brighter than ever. That is my wish for 2008.
So to all of you sweet souls out there who’ve been witnessing this journey of mine – thank you for your kindness and love this year. I may not be the most consistent blogger, but this place is still so very important to me. I hope all your wishes for this new year of possibilities become realities too.
The year of photography
{some of my favourite B&Ws from this year}
It still amazes me that I pay my bills by taking photographs. I’ve been looking through my Flickr stream and as each month passes I see how the techniques have been refined, how the eye has matured and how my confidence has grown. There isn’t a day that passes without some kind of photography-related activity happening. Of course, the ride has been precarious and bumpy and I’m still nowhere near where I want to be with this new career, but the small steps have become strides and I’m now hatching plans for 2008. It took quite a while for me to fully occupy this new identity – for so long I was a journalist/writer and somehow moving away from that felt like a betrayal of past dreams. Making pictures comes easily to me; writing words was more of a struggle – a passionate struggle, but a struggle nonetheless. I think that sometimes you just have to go with the path that makes your heart beat faster, the one that keeps you up at night, plotting and planning.
But this afternoon I discovered that the words have been doing their own thing, simmering away until the moment is right. I was sat in my local Borders, nursing a coffee and the new Alice Sebold, and for some reason reading a few pages of her new novel prompted me to get my notebook out of my bag and write several pages of notes towards Book Two (and i will still call it Book Two, despite the fact that Book One won’t be published and possibly wasn’t meant to be – I’ve made my peace with that). Funny how characters you dreamt up so long ago remain as alive and vibrant as they were the first day they visited you. This afternoon I felt them knocking at the walls of my brain, reminding me they were still there… Tell our story.
For now they will have to remain there – I haven’t the time to sit and write as I’d like to. But maybe when the chaos of the last few months (the stuff I haven’t wanted to share here) has calmed down, I’ll take a walk in their world…. maybe.
While I remember…
I keep forgetting to mention that I have a table at the Poppytalk Handmade Market this month! I think it’s the third or fourth month Jan has run the online market, and it’s a fab idea that’s definitely helped with my Christmas shopping this year (Thea has a table there too, so I’m in good company :)
Beautiful tears
It’s been a long and hectic week, with too much to do and not enough time to do it in, but all of that melted away half an hour ago when my sweet client phoned me in tears to tell me how much she loved the photographs of her and her daughter. I don’t remember ever getting a phone call like that when I’d written an article for Cosmo, or penned a witty newspaper piece about spring fashion… This job is tiring and competitive and keeps me up at night, but when it goes right it is such a pleasure, and a privilege, to make people smile.
Just now I took a meander through my blog archives and found this post written last December. I love that i have manifested some of the plans i had, and how strong i sound in the post. It’s good to remember that, good to see that i have been growing ever stronger from that place just twelve months ago…. growing upwards, even when sometimes i feel myself slipping back. Who know where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing this time next year – my wings are now fully-formed and ready, so it’s just a matter of deciding where to land…
Dwelling
Sometimes you read a poem and there is no one with you in the room to show, no one you can pass the book and invite to read the words. No one who can experience the quickening of their own pulse; the pleasure in the sentence; the satisfaction of the final full stop. When this happens the next best thing to do is to share it with you.
Dwelling
As though touching her
might make him known to himself,
as though his hand moving
over her body might find who
he is, as though he lay inside her, a country
his hand’s traveling uncovered,
as though such a country arose
continually up out of her
to meet his hand’s setting forth and setting forth.
And the places on her body have no names.
She is what’s immense about the night.
And their clothes on the floor are arranged
for forgetfulness.
~ Li-Young Lee, Book of My Nights
A gallimaufry*
I am: listening to my body and taking time out to relax. remembering to breathe
I have been: overwhelmed this week with what has been thrown at me. feeling inadequate when wanting to help the people I love. researching the results of my ultrasound – fibroids, and possible endometriosis (but they can’t be sure and may need to investigate more… lovely).
I am going to: look after myself so i am better able to help the people i love. do some online xmas shopping and browse Citizen of the Month’s Online Craft Fair. look forward to my two shoots next week. send out print orders, including this free print to Brittany
I’m reading: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle – interesting stuff…
Life is: hard sometimes, but the sun always returns in the end
* noun: a confused jumble or medley of things (origin mid 16th century from archaic French)
