A new path
I was recently presented with an opportunity to gauge how far along in my healing journey I am, to clarify what it is I want and don’t want, and once again think about the sort of man I would like to share my life with. We’re coming up to the three-year anniversary of his death in March, and through the good and the bad, it feels important to acknowledge how lonely these years have been. I know now that sometimes loneliness is needed, time alone to sort through the debris and have the chance to mend your sails before you set off on another voyage; time to work out your place on the earth without the need of another person to anchor you; time to meet yourself in your heart and sit with her without judgement or expectation. It’s never easy, but it is essential.
I’ve worried that I was becoming an armour-plated bionic woman who’d protected herself so effectively that the softness inside was shielded from view, but I see that as much as that was needed to keep me safe in the cold months of healing, it’s now necessary to take a breath and step back out there. I know it’s not something you can plan, not really, but what I can do is stay open to all possibilities, to all paths. I’m ready to listen carefully to the wisdom of the wind and see where it takes me. To outside eyes I may not look or appear to be doing anything different, but the shift inside has been profound – I no longer feel like I am betraying what we shared by wanting to find love again. Instead, I hope that I simply honour all I have learned, and all that I have to give – with his blessing.
I’ve been reading through the blog posts for this year and there were two in particular that stood out for me – this post brought tears, and this post made me spill my coffee – I’d forgotten I’d written it. I guess they couldn’t be more different, but they both illustrate the yearning I’ve felt this last year, for the past and for the future. But recently I’ve been living more and more in the present, and it feels so good.
A new year is coming and perhaps the long shadow of his death, and all that came after it, will finally retreat so the light can shine brighter than ever. That is my wish for 2008.
So to all of you sweet souls out there who’ve been witnessing this journey of mine – thank you for your kindness and love this year. I may not be the most consistent blogger, but this place is still so very important to me. I hope all your wishes for this new year of possibilities become realities too.
lovely and wise. i can see that light sparkling in your words. take care.
I’ve been away more than present with my own blogging, but it is good to catch up with your walk tonight. Wishing you the very best as you explore what the new year brings.
xoxo Star
Oh, you. For some reason you have really been on my mind the last couple of days! I hope your Christmas was so happy.
This post, and those older posts… It is all you. I see your heart in your writing. Maybe you have had to make an shield around you for a bit, but I still think your heart is soft and beautiful. And that is why so many of us who have never met you in person, feel like we are still friends. Still care so much for you. I know I do! I have said it before, but I will say again that seeing you on your healing journey has only been inspiring and touching. I know you have made so many other people feel less alone in their own pain… Even though that was never your intention. You were just being real.
SO.MUCH.LOVE! So much.
:)
What I love most about the way you share your story is your honesty. You convey your emotions so poignantly and it never fails to trigger something within me :)
I do hope that in the new year, you experience good things, and lots of light. It’s inspiring to see how far you’ve come since I started reading. xo
It is wonderful to see healing. :-)
I lost someone I loved 3 years ago also and finally I am starting to feel something other than the pain and loneliness again. I am not looking for love but I am definitely finally ready for it if it comes along. Sometimes I see other people go through a great loss and come out the other side ready to tackle the world, and I feel like something is wrong with me for taking so long. Thanks for sharing your story. It helps me to know that I am not the only one.
thank you for writing this post, Susannah. for acknowledging the loneliness…”how lonely these years have been.” i acknowledge this for me, too. “I know now that sometimes loneliness is needed, time alone to sort through the debris and have the chance to mend your sails before you set off on another voyage; time to work out your place on the earth…” i am learning this, too. thank you for these heart-perfect words.
love to you, gem
It was lovely finding you by way of Madelyn. I looked through your blog and it was amazing to read your journey. your honesty is refreshing and your self-discovery is inspiring. and you have such wonderful taste -j.winterson is my favorite author!!-
i love your photography as well.
nice meeting you :)
Wow my love…this is beautiful and powerful and I can see your hair waving wildly behind you as you face the future as boldly and passionately as possible. I am behind you every step of the way. I love you.
Susannah,
Your words ache…
Wishing you a wonderful, peaceful and lovely 2008 :)
thanks, love. I hope your wishes come true too. Thank you for sharing this journey. It is lovely and aching and beautiful and intriguing and inspiring.
And thank you so much for the beautiful photo. You are so talented.
You are that bright light. You are that anchor. You are your greatest love. Shine on, Grounded Woman, shine on. The world is yours to choose from in the coming year…
Much love from across the sea. :)
You know I get this…I really do. I hope he finds you soon and that he is worthy of the beautiful and inspiring woman you have become.
Happy New Year…
D.
hmmm such real reflections and insight. It is something you are so good at my love.
I have these wishes for you as well.
Happy New Year!
I love you
wishing you a magical, beautiful new year honey … sending you much love, xoxox i can’t wait to see the wonder that the new year brings you …
Yes, indeed, the new year will bring new beginnings. I have only followed your heartfelt journey this year but can clearly see a blossoming woman, a woman who is not willing to settle for stagnation or mediocrity. You seem like a woman who is an adventurer of the soul and who is willing to risk comfort for the sake of growth. So, please don’t be hard on yourself – you are amazing! Happy New Year.
What an amazing place you have reached on your journey. May it continue to bring you to wonderful places. Happy New Year and much love.xoxoxo
Thank you for sharing your journey and your art with us.
I wish you all good things in 2008 – whatever form they may take!!!
;o)
- Lee
you are awake….perfectly primed and aware…take a bite.
happy new year…
you are awake….perfectly primed and aware…take a bite.
happy new year…
I wish for you happiness, strength, creativity and love in the New Year, Susannah. You are such a strong soul even when you are perhaps feeling otherwise. And I am happy for you…that you can see how much you’ve healed in the last three years and that you can see a bright happy future for yourself.
Many blessings to you dear Sus, on your journey of life. 2008 is sure to hold many surprises for us both! Love to you, xx, JP/deb
Ooooh, honey – every time I read something you’ve written I can feel you changing even more. You have been through so much, but you have come through it all with the amazing YOU at the center of it all intact and ready for ANYTHING. Expect the unexpected this year, I have a feeling it’s going to be amazing for you, I really really do!!
LOVE YOU.
sharing your journey with your written words here has been heartbreaking and beautiful, filled with tears and inspiration. your journey is one of healing and strength and i can’t wait to see what 2008 holds for you. your new path is illuminated with love and creativity, both manifested by you. xoxo
Wishing you lots of love in your journey to becoming strong and remaining tender.
Happy New Year to you, sweetness
xox
wishing you such love and magic and
possibility sweetie this year ~
your great heart deserves it:)
(hugs)
such a beautifully optimistic post- and as you said, it’s the shift inside that matters most. i’m looking forward to seeing some more of your dreams come true this year. happy new year to you, love. xoxo
I think that the right person will come along at the right time and that any residual bionic woman armour will comes down when that happens.
You are my bright light too, you are my anchor.
you are a genius of love
a wing of the dove
oh, how sweet the wondrous prose
… of the rose
Susannah, I thought it was time I posted my first comment – to let you know how much you are helping me in my grieving for a lost relationship right now. I take such courage and inspiration from you. Your sadness tells me it’s ok to feel mine, your mid-thirties singlehood tells me that it’s ok for me too, at 39. Your living alone and loving it reminds me that I, too, used to love this part of my life and even though right now I am panicky, and overcome with loneliness and tears and the terror of being alone, that maybe, one day, I will find the worth in life again. Thank you.
‘I know now that sometimes loneliness is needed, time alone to sort through the debris and have the chance to mend your sails before you set off on another voyage; time to work out your place on the earth without the need of another person to anchor you; time to meet yourself in your heart and sit with her without judgement or expectation. It’s never easy, but it is essential.”
I just found your blog this morning, and although my situation has little in common with yours, this passage hit home for me in a profound way. I jumped out of the end of my marriage and into a not so healthy relationship which is about to come to it’s own end. As much as I know my first instinct will be to fill that space with something else, my instincts tell me that what I need to do is keep that space open and learn how to fill it myself – so that when the time is right I will truly be able to welcome someone else into it, and share it with them in a place of strength and wholeness.
Thank you for your words
jen.