Seventeen days
If there is one thing you do not want to feel, do not wish to even engage with while grieving, it is broodiness. Just as I have kept the desire to connect with another squashed down inside me, I never let myself go to the place of babies and families and rose-tinted thoughts about how cute knitted booties are.
However, today I met little Katherine, and while I wouldn’t describe what I felt as broodiness exactly, I was most definitely euphoric for the hour I held her in my arms while she slept, grinning madly and kissing her head. You’d have to be pretty cold-hearted not to feel the desire to protect such a tiny thing. I have friends who have children and friends who want children, and hidden among them is me. There were plans in the past for children, and I guess there continues to be a fuzzy idea that one day it may well be something I wish for.
If death is the black cloud that fucks up your life for as long as it must, then the brand new human being I met this morning was another taste of the sun shining again. Hours later, and as I’m editing the photographs i took of her, I can’t help but think yes, this is what it’s all about – the love, the pain, the learning and the mistakes – it’s to keep the human race going, to share the love and pass on the wisdom.
Obviously, when she woke up and started crying, I was more than happy to give her back to her mother. Little steps.
and little steps are all that are needed at the moment.
For you and for me.
Big Hugs,
Love Toni
You’ve taken another beautiful photograph, Susannah. Those little rays of sunshine – be it a kind gesture from a stranger, a laugh with a friend, the sight of little baby smiling up at you – can really light up our lives, can’t they? I’m glad that you had this moment with this little one.
I think the only time my heart ever truly melted was the first time I smelled my baby in my arms. That magic baby scent kind of transports you to another place where you can envision so many beautiful things ..and then they start crying!!! It is all about love and sharing. I love this picture of Katherine.. so cute, so delicate.
I just love this post. says it all, doesn’t it! Little steps, baby steps. What a beautiful picture by the way!
xox
i love the word broodiness, it’s so perfect. You are growing my friend and it’s so very lovely to witness. xo
I had my son two years ago. He was the product of an unplanned pregnancy. The entire time I was pregnant I brooded about how MUCH my life was going to change. I mourned my freedom and spent as much time sleeping away my depression as possible. However, in the two years since I had him I’ve experienced a kind of love that is beyond words, a love I never ever dreamt existed, even in my wildest dreams. First, I fell in love with my Fiance, and now, I’m in love with my son. The changes have often been hard. There are times when I dont want to change his poopy diaper or wish he’d stop screaming, but in the end, its beyond worth all the work I put in. Watching him grow and discover is the most amazing and fun thing I have EVER done.
I’m not sure why I feel compelled to share this story with you. But I hope it helps you in some small way, to continue to make the baby steps you need to.
*hugs*
Sarah
beautiful words and such a beautiful picture of the adorable Katherine
precious photograph. i love how you captured the human touch so well.
i am so glad you were blessed with newborn bliss even if for a few moments. its like they remind us to not give up…
i love you, baby.
You are great love.
The last sentence cracked me up. Tiny steps-they keep you where you are meant to be. I am s..l..o..w..l…y learning this.
You are wise and beautiful and talented.
I love you
LOL at that last bit. Haha!
But I agree with your thoughts, and I hope you find what you need someday, whatever it is! But for what it is worth, I think you would make a great mommy. So much love and care in you.
ox :)
what a beautiful baby. i hope to one day have a one or i wonder if i ever will until then i always get afraid to hold them. they are such delicate angels. great photograph :)
Smiling…
Sending you wishes for all good things…
- Lee
This made me smile…beautiful and honest and real. Loving you so…
Little steps, indeed. New life reminds us of the preciousness of our own lives. Open your heart like it’s the first day of your life. Peace & love, JP/deb
nice post, i really love it.
Hey Susannah. I first want to thank you for commenting on my blog. It’s wonderful to know I’m not alone in the blog world lol.
I wanted to express to you the fact that i have thoroughly enjoyed your entries. Your words have given me courage, and even inspired some of my writing at times.
Thanks again for visiting my blog. . .you’re welcome back any time :)
:)
Hi lovely. I gav eyou something at by blog.
:)