April, 2008
To do list*
find a way…
to not be scared
to address what i feel in the moment rather than let it build up
to make time for what is important to me
to let go of what is not
to know that it’s okay if i don’t always do my best
because good-enough will be good enough for today
to listen to my body when it’s speaking to me
to let people know when i might need their help
to let people know when i need to retreat for a while
to start the project, the one i have been dreaming of
to take my courage in my hands and ASK
to use the inspiration and create a new way of seeing
to place my two feet on the path, rather than one foot here and one foot there
to trust that love will find me again
to trust that i will be ready to welcome it
to truly see the good things
to know that the bad things carry a message within them
to know, in my heart, that this too will pass
to let it go, to let it go, to let it go
to remember that I have survived much worse, and flourished
to hide when i need to, and show my face when i feel ready
[ * inspired by Marta]
April, 2008
The PR version
1. fernanda *, 2. 15//52, 3. nana, 4. 0192
I wanted to add to my last post and say that most of the blogs we/I read are the PR version of the blogger’s life, in that they are a collection of the most interesting bits of their day-to-day lives. There are many of us who talk about the personal and creative challenges that we face, and how we are working to overcome them, but there’s still an awful lot of stuff we keep to ourselves, understandably. I wanted to mention this because i often forget that this is the case when reading others’ blogs. The face you present to the world can often look very appealing when viewed without the context of the rest of your life, the mundane boring stuff that’s only witnessed by you and the four walls around you, the worries that keep you awake at night.
Anyway, slimming down my blog reading has definitely had a positive impact on the mood and tone of my mornings so I’m going to continue to be mindful of what my head ingests. Now I’ve noticed the blogging energy drain I’m starting to see the other ways I hemorrhage energy during the day – i’m trying weekly rather than daily newspaper reading, turning off email during the day (unless I need it for work) and am generally spending less time online.
I’m chipping away at this block and while some days I seem to have the world’s smallest chisel, I’m following the breadcrumbs and finding my way back.
April, 2008
Canine wisdom
There is this cave
in the air behind my body
that nobody is going to touch:
a cloister, a silence
closing around a blossom of fire.
When i stand upright in the wind
my bones turn to dark emeralds.
From The Jewel by James Wright
It’s hard to let go of habits when they’ve become routines that anchor us in our day-to-day lives. Battling with depression as I am, a lot of time is spent examining – why is something happening, what can do I do to mend it, will that ever change, should I let go of this or embrace that other thing – I feel like a dog chasing its tail, albeit in slow motion.
I’ve reached a point where I feel too stretched, where I feel I should be commenting on blogs and replying to emails in a timely fashion and returning phone calls and texts and Facebook messages; where I feel I should be giving out my energy to those who want it, when in actual fact I don’t have enough even for myself. And all of this is served with a side order of guilt, and, I now realize, shame too – the shame that I’m not on top of things, that my life is not running as it should be.
There are a lot of shoulds in that last paragraph, I know. There are a lot in my head too. This bout of introspection has been biting at my heels for a while and it was only a matter of time before I had to let it come in.
I’m feeling the need to detoxify my life and cast out the behaviours that no longer serve me. This morning I woke at 7am, something haven’t done in a long time (proper rest being so elusive right now) and as I sat with my tea in the golden light of early morning, I actually felt quite calm. Two hours later and I was back to feeling utterly shit, and what had triggered the change in feeling was my morning routine of checking email and blogs. As soon as I let the outside world in, my energy dropped and the tortured thinking restarted, and i can’t believe I haven’t noticed this before.
Obviously I’m not saying that reading blogs makes you depressed – there are many I follow to find inspiration and information, especially those focusing on photography, design and art. But there are some feeds in my Bloglines list that bring me down, and it’s not because they are depressing or read like emotional p0rnography – quite often it’s the opposite. Sometimes reading about someone’s happy life or amazing luck or sensational creative business will push a button in me and make me feel bad. And really – who needs that, when I already have so many other effective ways to beat myself up? I remember another blogger wrote about this last year (I can’t remember who) and she talked about how NOT reading those energy-draining blogs would a) be a good idea but also b) made her feel guilty because she’d been reading about those bloggers’ lives/stories for a long time. I think blogging is an amazing thing, but I also acknowledge that it has a downside attached to it too, where feelings of guilt, inadequacy, envy and competitiveness can mingle with the inspiration and camaraderie. And i know i am most susceptible to those bad feelings when I am at a low ebb, so perhaps just as I am mindful of what I put into my body maybe it’s time to become more mindful of what I put into my head too.
Today I’m going to listen to the wisdom of this current black dog and spring clean my Bloglines list – not to surround myself with cotton wool, but simply as an exercise in letting go of unhelpful masochistic behaviour (UMB)…I reckon it’s time to start thinking about what other UMB I can set free.
Five good things:
1. a new Muxtape, and my prints for sale in this month’s Poppytalk handmade market.
2. Lunch consisting of toasted rye bread topped with mashed haricot beans, artichoke hearts, sliced red onion and basil-infused olive oil
3. Going to aqua aerobics tonight with a girlfriend.
4. Asking a stranger if he would let me take his portrait, and him saying yes – the beginning of a new fine art photography project
5. Selling old clothes on Ebay to put money in the Hasselblad kitty and making much more than I thought I would.
April, 2008
Musical prozac
Colourful glazed bowels by Diana Fayt
"As I started to picture the trees in the storm, the answer began to dawn on me. The trees in the storm don't try to stand up straight and tall and erect. They allow themselves to bend and be blown with the wind. They understand the power of letting go. Those trees and those branches that try too hard to stand up strong and straight are the ones that break. Now is not the time for you to be strong …" Julia Butterfly Hill (via Kerstin)
It’s funny really. You weather the biggest storm of your life and expect that the rest is going to be a breeze. And of course it isn’t. I think that a part of me thought that I’d got all my bad luck out of the way in one hit, and that from then on it was going to be really easy.
Sometimes it feels like the last three years have been one long exercise in picking myself up off the floor, and that I’d get so far only to then crumple again. I don’t know whether it’s my predisposition to depression, fucked up hormones, the many things that aren’t working in my life or my body adjusting to the Pill (it’s all of it, I know) but if you can imagine a 35-year-old, 5’ 8”, blonde English woman lying face down on the floor of her apartment with an enormous boulder strapped to her back, squeezing the life out of her, then THAT is how I’m feeling. Not that I would ever be melodramatic about it.
You know when you’re in the thick of it, doing the self-pity dance and, I don’t know – bashing yourself over the head with a rolling pin? It’s in those moments that i forget the things that can lift me up out of the muck. It’s time to try.
Five good things:
1. The new Weepies album, Hideaway. I’ve been listening to the four previewed songs on their Myspace page non-stop for the last two hours, and I’m falling deeper in love with every harmony Deb & Steve make. If I had any sort of musical ability (which clearly I don’t) this is the music I would make – this could quite possibly be the highlight of my year so far. Music helps me so much – their music heals too. (edited to add: I've just discovered this beautiful song. God, i love music.)
2. Today is my 2-year blog anniversary. If it wasn’t for this blog I would never have flown to Seattle or Los Angeles, or met so many wonderful women I now call friends. I would never have found my reason to rekindle my love for writing or poetry or photography. And I would never have had so much support from all of you. So thank you so much for joining me on this journey.
3. The work of San Francisco-based artist Diana Fayt – investing in one of her amazingly detailed platters is top of my list for 2008.
Blue pears & the bird, 18" platter by Diana Fayt
Bowls by Diana Fayt
4. Twitter. An absolutely pointless thing, perhaps, but this micro blogging site is keeping me amused when I can’t manage to do much else. It’s quite zen, really.
5. Polaroids. Polaroids. Polaroids.
