Just don’t call me Bridget

Hello, i'm still alive. I know i've been missing from this space, but you know when i do that it's usually because there's stuff going on that i don't want to or can't blog about. At some point i might have to, however, as it's all connected to the healing path, and even though this blog was never going to be specifically about anything, i know there are a few peeps who've related to my ramblings here. I know this because you've emailed to tell me and those emails are always like a ray of sunshine into my world.

Okay *deep breath* so the thing is i have been on a couple of dates with a guy, and it hasn't taken off. And that is okay, it really is, but what i am discovering is that i have SO MUCH to learn about dating. About how to keep my expectations in check while still remaining hopeful and open. I'm learning that i have never really dated before and so i am coming at this like a total novice, and that is not a comfortable place for me, when i always exepect to know what i'm doing and be in control.

I'm also trying to hold myself very gently as i feel this overwhelming ache coming out from the centre of my body. The ache of being alone, the ache of missing love, the ache of wanting to be touched again and to connect on a soul level with a man. I've kept this pressed down inside for a very long time, but holy shit, it is here now and it will NOT be ignored. Moving seems to have awakened this beast that is charging through my life like a solar flare. My usual tricks aren't working, the meditations and poetry and cups of tea and quiet times. No, the ache is here and it has the force of 3.5 years of solitude behind it.

And all i hear is the media telling me that at nearly-36 i'm on the shelf; all i see are friends and acquaintances married or engaged or spirited off in the land of coupledom and families. I hate admitting all this as it makes me feel whiny and stupid, and i'm truly neither of those things, but i am stuck in this strange place of wanting so much and trying to be patient; trying to trust the process; trying to trust that it will all work out in the end. So for now I'm focussing on my work, and hoping the rest will take care of itself…. while feeling like i've been through the spin cycle.

I'll probably delete this post later, but for now, here is my truth.