Noah’s happy place
This song is the one thing guaranteed to make him stop crying – Soul Limbo by BookerT & the MGs. Papa Bear swinging him around also helps. His auntie is making up for lost cuddles this weekend :)
Pencils & Polaroids
I have some thrillingly good news to share! I’ve been working on a secret project with my Polaroid-shooting sisters, Jenifer Altman and Amanda Gilligan, and can finally announce that we’ve accepted a contract with Chronicle Books to write & shoot a how-to book about instant photography. It’s been a few months in the making, and now we have the green light we’re going to get cracking! We’re all beyond excited about it and can’t wait to share it with you; it won’t be out till Spring 2012, which feels aaaages away but I know it’ll be fun to share some of the journey as we create a book I hope you’ll love. It’s going to be beautiful – I’m mean, have you SEEN the photos these girls take? So honoured to be embarking on this project with them, and with a Brit, Aussie and American in the mix I think we’ve got all angles covered ;)
Things I want to remember
* How incredible sandalwood incense smells when it mingles with the scent of brewing coffee
* Even when the clouds cover the sky, the sun is still shining above them
* The best emails contain photos of my nephew
* Creativity is a never-ending ride at the fun fair
* If I wear Tam Dao I’m instantly transported back to 2004 and his arms
* Sometimes the hunger is for love, not food
* Sometimes the hunger really is for food
* Right now, in this moment, I have everything I need.
How to fall in love with you: step four
As I lay in bed last night, mind racing, I knew why I’ve been finding it so hard to write this post: this is a step that is still in progress. I haven’t got this one completely figured out yet, but I need to talk about it. Because it might help you, and it will definitely help me…
I’ve put on a lot of weight.
The triple-whammy of giving up smoking, creating an online biz from home and my fast-approaching 40s has left me with a body I do not recognise. My daily commute requires me to simply walk into the next room; I’ve been working really hard – and loving it – but things like exercise have gone out the window. And I’ve never enjoyed exercise (despite those few months in 2008 when I flirted with my inner Jane Fonda) so it wasn’t a hardship to forget to join a gym or go for daily walks. That period of exercise charged me up for the move to Bath, but since I’ve been here my life has become more and more sedentary as I’ve become more and more busy. It’s a trade-off I thought I was okay making, until yesterday morning when I tried to put on the jeans I wore the day I moved to Bath… and I couldn’t get them on. My baggy loose-fitting need-to-wear-a-belt jeans are now too small. I’ve been steadily buying bigger-sized clothing, but these jeans brought it home to me.
I know all this extra me is down to lack of movement and an excess of food; I don’t eat unheathily, but I do recognise that I eat to comfort and quell the lonelies when they surface. I eat when I’m premenstrous. I eat because – to put it bluntly – I do not have a sex life and I miss it. I’ve also realised that I’ve replaced cigarettes with snacks – didn’t even know I did that until I really looked at how I spend my day at my desk; truly my appetite has gone through the roof.
I could share more about my relationship with food and movement, but it’s my relationship with my body – in its current state – that is the problem. I am ashamed of it. I don’t like looking like I am 6-months pregnant. I don’t like that I tire quickly when I go into town, or that the majority of my wardrobe is now tight and restricting. I don’t feel comfortable like this and feel trapped in a cycle of unhealthy habits as I race from one deadline to the next.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I don’t want to be model-thin. I don’t expect my body to look like it did when I was 23. But I would like it to be a little leaner and healthier, and for it to work more efficiently. For this to happen I know I need to implement some major changes in my lifestyle; it’s not a case of blindly loving my curves – I DO love my curves! I’d just rather they weren’t obscured by the wobbly fat I’ve accumulated over 19 months of working hard and eating hard.
And last night, as I lay in bed mulling all this over for the millionth time, I knew what I needed – before the gym membership, and the daily swims, and the time off to recharge and move my body (all planned for my ‘new’ London life) – I need to forgive myself.
Forgiveness. What a lovely concept that is. It’s a word that makes me think of flowing white robes and beatific smiles and benevolence. It’s something i’ve had to cultivate in my life, trying to feel it in my heart and my head as a way to move through past hurts and let go of difficult feelings. But there is one person I always find it so difficult to forgive: ME. I don’t know where this expectation that I have to be perfect came from, but it’s woven through my being like mould through cheese. And some heart-felt forgiveness of my flaws, of my very human fears and f*ck-ups, will help me move forward with a kinder perspective; beating myself up constantly achieves nothing – I know, I’ve tried.
I sense that this is an opportunity to practice gentleness once again, another chance to show myself love. Because at the moment I am showing myself contempt and disappointment, and that really isn’t helping. It’s time to look honestly at the reasons for my changing size and know that, when I am ready, I can make different choices. I can work towards making changes; I can take each day as it comes, and if it’s a day that needs a little extra sugar sprinkled on it then so be it. And I am moving towards these changes: the London relocation will be here soon and that will help me create new routines; the weather is improving which means I feel called to go out more. Being a workaholic has been fantastic for getting fledgling dreams off the ground, but looking after my body will help me maintain the energy I’m devoting to my work life.
Because there is so much more I want to do.
Stage fright Thursday
I’ve just spent the last hour trying to write my next post in the How to fall in love with you series; this post has been tapping on my shoulder for a few days now and I’ve wanted to cosy in and get it penned, because it’s an important juicy one…. but oh boy, am I suffering with stage fright. This new blog is way too pretty to write just any old post – it has to be the Best Post I Have Ever Written! It’s like when you have new shoes and you don’t want to wear them outside cos they’ll get dirty… So I’m just going to throw this post up so the space is broken in, and things can get back to normal. *deep breath*
* * * * *
In other news, I’m doing a giveaway over on Denise’s blog – one soulful full-of-potential spot in the summer Unravelling: Ways of Seeing My Self class is up for grabs!
Welcome to my new home!
Several months in the making, and many long hours in the editing, I am so jazzed to finally open up this new space to the world! Welcome, friends! Please pull up a beanbag* and have a cupcake while I give you the tour…
In essence this blog is exactly the same as Ink on my fingers, but now it’s attached to the rest of my site, which thrills me no end, though it might take a while to get used to having my own name as the name of my blog.. weird.
On the e-courses & workshops page there’s a video intro from me (prepare to be dazzled by the professionalism) and I’ve outlined all my courses – the original Unravelling: Ways of Seeing My Self, my shiny new course, and sequel to the first: Unravelling: Living in My World, plus info on my photography workshop at Squam and Wish*Full retreat workshop.
The photography page has been updated, as have the galleries; there’s now a news & press page, which I will try to fill with interesting things (the pressure!); my testimonials page is now featured more prominently, and can I just say a big THANK YOU to Bella and the Summer 09 Unravellers who all gave me permission to use their videos on the page – thanks ladies, you all rock my world!
My favourite new feature is the subscription function over there in the sidebar ————–> where you can sign up to get new blog posts delivered to your in-box either a) as they are published or b) in a weekly round-up. And we’ve prettified the emails – there’s a sneak peek here.
And by ‘we’ I of course mean me and my amazing web designer, Jo Klima of the Darling Tree, who took my drawings and mock-ups and awesomised them into this new space. I’m so happy with the results – thank you, Jo!
So that’s it – I’m home and I’m excited to build on everything that’s already gone before. I really hope you like the new look, and don’t mind resubscribing to the blog (the RSS feed should automatically update for you, but keep an eye on it, just in case it doesn’t work). And if you see any clanging errors please do let me know so we can fix them – I noticed that some old posts have got the comments doubled up, but honestly, it’s not a big deal. I’m just happy to be here!
* how very 80s of me – if you stick around I’ve got a pirated copy of the The Breakfast Club on VHS we can watch later…
Four blogtastic years
I missed my blogiversary again – it was on Monday. Four years of blogging in this space (well, three years technically, as the first year was hosted by Blogger.) I can’t believe it’s only been four years, as sometimes it feels like i have always been doing this, that’s how important this place is to me. I feel antsy when I haven’t posted in a while, wanting to come here to share and connect, to write out my thoughts or have a little moan (see yesterday’s post ;) It would not be an exaggeration to say that this blog has changed my life. Just over a year after my life had changed for a much more devastating reason, I opened a Blogger account and took the leap, not knowing what this place would come to mean to me, or what magic it would bring into my life. I’ve made friends and found an amazing community; I’ve healed my pain and shared my story; I’ve had a place to let my photography blossom; I’ve opened up to possibilities like teaching and book writing. Who knew all of that would come from writing a few words on the internet every few days?
Next week Ink on my fingers will be no more as I relaunch my website and start blogging over at susannahconway.com… and for some reason this is making me really nervous. I mean, I know it’s just a blog, so why does it matter where it is in the blogosphere? But … it matters to me. This is my online home, and now I’m packing my virtual boxes and heading out to a new space. I’m taking all my archives and comments with me, and now I’ve had the decorators in it’s looking pretty snazzy over there and I’m excited to show you the result next week, but still there is this strange lingering sadness to saying goodbye to my inky blog. The irony is, i have more ink on my fingers these days than ever before, but it’s time to blog under my own name… officially. It’s all part of that pesky expand word I chose for this year. (what was i thinking?!)
I’m going to be quiet here for a few more premenstrously unproductive days and then, if all goes to plan, I’ll be opening up the new space for visitors on Tuesday. I really hope you’ll join me in my new digs!
UPDATED: As part of my online make-over I’ve changed mailing list provider which means all my lovely subscribers will get an email asking if they are happy to stay subscribed to my list. We can only import half of the list at a time, so the first half got an email this afternoon….. with my SURNAME spelled wrong. People, i am mortified! I believe this stage of the game is called teething troubles…. oh dear.
So if you got an email from some chick called Susannah Conay today, please know that it is truly me and I’d love it if you stayed on my mailing list :) The email is going out again tomorrow to the rest of the list, and fingers crossed I will spell my own name correctly this time…. sheesh
No words Wednesday
It's PMS week – oh happy day! Another chance to delve into the depths of my paranoia and monkey-mind while eating chocolate and hating myself. Huzzah! Got so many blog posts i want to share with you, but first i gotta get
through this to-do list. Actually, it's more like a to-do scroll.
I wish i was sitting on that bench right now. Maybe tomorrow… wanna join me? I'll bring the cupcakes.
:)
One week old today
I don’t know how much their little feeties change, but right now baby Noah has feet *exactly* like mine but in miniature; I can’t tell you how much this thrills me! It’s hard being away from my family – Abby & Noah have been figuring out the breast-feeding thing, and he is slowly starting to put weight on. My sis is a total rockstar for the way she’s persevering through the challenges and doing what he needs right now.
I am a very proud big sister/auntie.
