A big red heart

I remember making a Valentine card for the boy I liked in my class. His name was Justin and we were probably about eight or nine — it’s so long ago I can’t really remember. But I can see the card — it had a big red heart on the front (of course) and I dowsed it in perfume. It reeked to high heaven. I left the card by his coat peg. I don’t remember if he responded (unlikely) but I remember it felt good to tell that sweet blonde-haired boy who was good at football how I felt.

There have been many Valentine cards sent and received over the years. I remember our last Valentine’s Day dinner, eight years ago. I remember our conversation, the wine, his hand on my thigh. I remember the long kiss standing outside the front door before heading inside to bed, to the solace of each other’s arms. Three weeks later he was dead. No more cards, none I can see with my eyes, anyway. But I know he’s here today, my old companion from another lifetime.

I have known big love, and I am sure I will know it again. I have no one to buy a Valentine card for today, and none are coming through my door, but I am perfectly okay with that. I have my own sweet company, and that is a lot, my friends.

To me, that is everything.

Happy Valentine’s Day x

Posted on 14-02-2013
27 responses
  1. cococita

    Thank you for your touching words Susannah! You share love in whatever you do, and so you make each day to a sort of Valentine’s day. Loads of people and this lady in particular are very grateful for that! Thank you, you make the world a lovelier place. And what I know for sure is that you’ll find love with a capital L again: that’s what I wish for you, today and every day …

    thank you, sweetheart xxx

  2. Jane

    Hi Susannah – I’m sending warm loving thoughts your way, from the rainy cold west coast of Canada. Yours is the first blog I read every morning…thank you for sharing and expressing yourself so generously through your blog. Your words always resonate with me and make me feel more connected to the greater web of life. You are a Gem.
    Jane in Comox

  3. Vanessa

    Wishing you unexpected, passionate, soul warming, lifelong love. I hope it arrives for you soon. You so deserve it. In the meantime thanks for your brave honest words.

  4. regena

    Happy Valentine’s Day to you…love is all around you, in you and coming to you.

  5. Alicia

    This gave me chills. What beautiful words of wisdom. Thank you.

  6. Zarina Ávila

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, than you for share your feelings. These are so sweet and useful for me and my friends.

  7. kathryn

    and you have that beautiful nephew of yours!!!

    Happy Valentines Day!!

  8. jane

    this is heart tenderiser…. may the love you feel so beatifully for yourself be reflected back to you soon… some lucky man is waiting <3

  9. Nicola dent

    Susannah thank you for opening your heart to us today. I too have known big love and had it taken away. I miss that but I know I was lucky to find that sort of love. I hope to find it again one day. In the meantime I raise a glass of champagne to us all. Hugs Nicola x

  10. Puanani


  11. kristina

    Happy love to you!

  12. Hala

    Hi Susannah, Sending lots of love on Valentines Day. My sister lost her husband/soulmate 6 years ago-he was 39. She met someone 8 months ago, fallen in love -she says she feels like a teenager again…she so deserves it and so do you. Hala x

  13. La plume et la page

    I understand your thoughts and your confidence that you’ll find THE big love again…. But personnally I’m not okay with that and tears come sometimes. I know I have to go through those moments but I don’t know…

    honestly, i don’t know either, hon — we just have to try and trust xx

  14. Vero Palazzo

    You were blessed for having the opportunity to love and be loved in that way.
    Lovely post! Hugs from Buenos Aires

  15. Stacy

    We are our own best Valentine. Happy day to you and thank you for the joy you bring to my life!!

  16. Angela

    I’ve never had a big love, and I turn 38 in two months (April 14th). I thought I had one blossoming, six years ago, but it didn’t happen. I just got my heart broken.

    I can’t imagine being that much in love with someone, only to lose them. I also hate that I’ve never had that kind of love.

  17. Eileen Weigand

    Thank you for sharing your what your heart had to say today. Love goes on even beyond here. xoxo

  18. Gerri Smalley

    Happy Valentine’s Day Sweets! xxO

  19. Melissa

    Happy Valentines Day to you… with a huge hug from Canada. xo <3

  20. iris ztarr

    Happy Valentine’s Day Susannah and thank you for a very wonderful Blogging from the Heart course. You will be missed

  21. Parisa

    Thank you so much for expressing your feelings Susannah! You help me understand myself better. You’re a shining light! xo xo

  22. Charlotte

    thank you for your beautiful words of wisdom and all of the amazing photos you have taken. your work has really helped me for my a-level work on self-discovery.
    you are an inspiration and your photos are almost a album of my short and sweet teenage life, which is nearing its end and the world of seriousness as an adult is starting…
    keep those photos coming- they are where some of my strenght comes from.

  23. Charlotte

    oh and happy valentines day everyone =3

  24. Kathryn

    your words are always so beautifully honest. thank you for sharing your heart, Susannah.

  25. lorna

    So touching Susannah x I absolutely adore the artwork on those Penguin Classics. I don’t have this one yet but I plan to gradually amass the entire collection. Something for my nephews to inherit!

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