Canine wisdom

There is this cave

in the air behind my body

that nobody is going to touch:

a cloister, a silence

closing around a blossom of fire.

When i stand upright in the wind

my bones turn to dark emeralds.

From The Jewel by James Wright

It’s hard to let go of habits when they’ve become routines that anchor us in our day-to-day lives. Battling with depression as I am, a lot of time is spent examining – why is something happening, what can do I do to mend it, will that ever change, should I let go of this or embrace that other thing – I feel like a dog chasing its tail, albeit in slow motion.

I’ve reached a point where I feel too stretched, where I feel I should be commenting on blogs and replying to emails in a timely fashion and returning phone calls and texts and Facebook messages; where I feel I should be giving out my energy to those who want it, when in actual fact I don’t have enough even for myself. And all of this is served with a side order of guilt, and, I now realize, shame too – the shame that I’m not on top of things, that my life is not running as it should be.

There are a lot of shoulds in that last paragraph, I know. There are a lot in my head too. This bout of introspection has been biting at my heels for a while and it was only a matter of time before I had to let it come in.

I’m feeling the need to detoxify my life and cast out the behaviours that no longer serve me. This morning I woke at 7am, something haven’t done in a long time (proper rest being so elusive right now) and as I sat with my tea in the golden light of early morning, I actually felt quite calm. Two hours later and I was back to feeling utterly shit, and what had triggered the change in feeling was my morning routine of checking email and blogs. As soon as I let the outside world in, my energy dropped and the tortured thinking restarted, and i can’t believe I haven’t noticed this before.

Obviously I’m not saying that reading blogs makes you depressed – there are many I follow to find inspiration and information, especially those focusing on photography, design and art. But there are some feeds in my Bloglines list that bring me down, and it’s not because they are depressing or read like emotional p0rnography – quite often it’s the opposite. Sometimes reading about someone’s happy life or amazing luck or sensational creative business will push a button in me and make me feel bad. And really – who needs that, when I already have so many other effective ways to beat myself up? I remember another blogger wrote about this last year (I can’t remember who) and she talked about how NOT reading those energy-draining blogs would a) be a good idea but also b) made her feel guilty because she’d been reading about those bloggers’ lives/stories for a long time. I think blogging is an amazing thing, but I also acknowledge that it has a downside attached to it too, where feelings of guilt, inadequacy, envy and competitiveness can mingle with the inspiration and camaraderie. And i know i am most susceptible to those bad feelings when I am at a low ebb, so perhaps just as I am mindful of what I put into my body maybe it’s time to become more mindful of what I put into my head too.

Today I’m going to listen to the wisdom of this current black dog and spring clean my Bloglines list – not to surround myself with cotton wool, but simply as an exercise in letting go of unhelpful masochistic behaviour (UMB)…I reckon it’s time to start thinking about what other UMB I can set free.

Five good things:

1. a new Muxtape, and my prints for sale in this month’s Poppytalk handmade market.

2. Lunch consisting of toasted rye bread topped with mashed haricot beans, artichoke hearts, sliced red onion and basil-infused olive oil

3. Going to aqua aerobics tonight with a girlfriend.

4. Asking a stranger if he would let me take his portrait, and him saying yes – the beginning of a new fine art photography project

5. Selling old clothes on Ebay to put money in the Hasselblad kitty and making much more than I thought I would.