You took your last breath five years ago today. I'm finding it really hard to get my head around the timescale – five years! – but so much has happened in that time, it makes sense it's been that long, i guess. Your death set me off on a path i never imagined i would take; it took a few years to find my feet again, but once I did the healing began in earnest. There were many gifts in our relationship, but it's my relationship with you since you passed that has brought the most treasures; I never imagined that could be possible, either, but it is true.
Your death has taught me how to feel empathy for another's pain. I learned how to sit with my own pain and breathe my way through it. I learned how to uncover all the shit i had held so close to me, and to unpick it, and heal it, and let it go. I unravelled all the knots in my past, and i wove a new story, one that has the real me at the heart of, and not my neediness or my shame or my insecurity. I found myself, and i learned to love the less-than-perfect bits, of which there are many. I opened myself to my creativity again, and discovered that the words and images had been inside me all along, just waiting for their day in the sunshine. I followed my newly-mended heart and found a way to support myself doing work that excites me and helps others – that has been such a gift and i know you'd be proud of me, though i'm sure you'd think the concept of Unravelling was rather hippy and too touchy-feely for you :) And any day now I will become an auntie – can you believe it?
I don't think a relationship like ours – one of such intensity and passion – could have lasted and i have a feeling it would have burnt itself out by now. But who knows? I couldn't understand why you died – no one in that situation can, but it was so sudden, so shocking, i couldn't accept it; and yet here i am, with all that is around me and all that is ahead of me, and i can't help feeling it was supposed to be this way. And admitting that no longer feels like a betrayal of you and your life. I have integrated your death in my own life, and i have healed and moved forward, inch by inch, until i am now far enough away from the blast to be able to find gratitude for the journey i have been on. The journey that continues until we meet again.
I miss you. x
Edited to add: he was an old rocker and a big Kings of Leon fan, so i know he's gutted he's missed their new albums. If we all play this song, maybe it will be loud enough to reach him. Thank you.