This next step is a timely one for me as I’ve been needing to actively do it the last few days, which in turn has been a good reminder that it’s all very well me talking about how to do this stuff, but walking the talk is still a daily practice. Because i don’t think we ever really get to a point where we love & support ourselves, no questions asked, no more doubts, tra la la the world is a magical place filled with rainbows and unicorns.
Some days the world is a crappy place. Some days it just sucks to be breathing the same old air.
Despite the great news from the Impossible Project, this week i have been on a downer (still am, actually), the unfortunate combination of some end-of-project blues, hormones, bad weather and some unexpected criticism which i wholeheartedly take on the chin while also feeling it as a punch in the gut. There are some days when i wish i could ‘go to work’ and then come home, because right now work is my whole world – there is no separation between where i end and where work starts. It’s all the same thing. Which is not healthy, i know, but it is what it is. All of this is so important to me; my work IS me; it’s an emotional thing.
When the blues hit it’s even more imperative to be kind to myself, particularly when it’s so tempting to kick myself while i’m down. I mean, i’m already down there – why not heap some more doubt and insecurity and crap on my head? Some days i really do have to drag myself from breakfast to dinner to bed to just get through the day in one piece – who has the energy for that happy skippy claptrap i see on the internet? But when i can muster some kindness, i try to make an effort, however small, to do something nice for me… because it does help, even when i am at my most resistant.
Over the years I’ve watched friends with kids keep treats and games in their bag so when they’re away from home there’s always something to keep the children occupied and comforted; as adults we need the equivalent of this. Our own bag of comfort. In mine I have: books that lift me up, new songs to be found on iTunes, sofa + blanket + DVD, a hot bath, a Chinese take-away delivered to my front door (did this last night and it did help), my journal where i can rant or sob or attempt gratitude lists. I also have friends and a sister I can email or call and talk it through with, but when they are not around, i only have me to turn to, and if i’m finding it hard to sit through the fear/discomfort/pain/upset i let myself switch off with a film and a gigantic cup of tea. I let myself be distracted. Because as much as i want to always be brave and feel any shittyness i am feeling, sometimes it’s okay to just push it to one side and let it run out of steam on its own.
Sometimes being your own best friend, aka falling in love with yourself, is knowing when it’s okay to just let yourself off the hook, being kind and gentle, especially when you feel broken. And an early night helps too, because nine times out of ten things look a bit better in the morning.