A quiet space

If there are no words here it means I am saving them for the book.
If there are no words for the book it means i am panicking.

The book is about unravelling, and that is exactly what i am doing: unravelling the words, ideas, memories, theories. Unravelling the fear that I can’t do this, the worry that it’s too much; the responsibility to pen something of value; my seeming inability to just get out of my own way and trust that the job will be done. The nightmares are back; you’d see a rainbow if you scanned my brain these days, there’s so much activity going on.

The voice is becoming clearer and stronger, however, so I plod on and hope for the best. I had a moment this morning where I laughed out loud at myself, sitting there fretting about writing words down. I mean, could it be any more ridiculous? Writing words down! Stringing words together into sentences. How hard can it be?

I have moments when i wish I still smoked.

33 responses
  1. helen

    Dear Susannah, it is very hard but you are doing it. And at least you have a rainbow of activity in your brain! You wouldn’t want it to be all grey and dreary now.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. The words will come.


  2. jane

    sending you a virtual cigarette – and the utter faith that you will see your own magnificence in time to kick those doubting gremlins’ arses x

  3. Jude

    This is a lovely pic and I sometimes wonder if we have to go through those moments of tug-of-war to get break through and get to where we need to be? Maybe it’s confirmation you’re on the right path, because you’re having an inner dialogue in the deepest sense!

  4. Liz C.

    You can do this. And it will be so worth it. I know you and I have no doubts at all.

  5. Colette

    I hear you sister. Take good care of yourself.

    .. Missing the connectivity your courses create.

    You have a rare gift for creating a safe space online that invites vulnerability, process and feeling safe together.

    Process .. flying together.

    Any chance of an iphone course with you?


  6. Natalia Yanoushkevich

    remember the 1st rule of brainstorming? don’t criricise any of ideas, thoughts and sentences. Collect them let them grow and change and transform – eventually they will become something that you wanted to share and something that will reach people’s hearts.
    Your writing is beautiful, sincere, poetic, real, it rings with truth. So have faith in yourself – you are a real unraveller and I’m sure the book you write will be one of the kind – otherwise you would not even start it.
    Good luck and God bless:) xxx
    from Russia with love

  7. susannah

    thank you, love! that means a lot x

  8. susannah

    i may have something up my sleeve ;) xo

  9. susannah

    thank you honey – you are so lovely :)

  10. susannah

    i think so – i hope so :)

  11. susannah

    i’m smoking it right now :-D

  12. susannah

    thanks Helen xox

  13. Catherine Denton

    “Writing words down! Stringing words together into sentences. How hard can it be?”

    I identify with this struggle. It does seem illogical but we feel it anyway. For me it’s perfectionism sneaking in and making me feel it has to be sheer genius on the first go. I have to allow myself to have a bad first draft, saying all the way, “It’s just a draft, I’ll fix it later.”

  14. julia

    Separate the creator & the editor…there’s plenty of time for editing later, for now, just get it down-this so helps with getting out of the way and just allowing the words to come through. It’s all there inside of you…just let it out. (I’m talking to myself here too…)

    I totally believe in you.

  15. Brooke

    I too fret and lose all my mojo right about when I’m about to make something really good: when the tide’s out remember it’ll be creeping back soon!

    You *will* finish this book and it will be fantastic. You’ll look back at these panicky times with relief that they’re over, but recognize that they were essential. I kind of see them as the torrent of scrambled ideas getting ready to flow out. The words have to get to know each other inside of you before they can come to your mind.

  16. Lynn

    Good for you! Following your dream and fighting the demons.
    How hard is it? Here’s one of my favorite quotes! I think it about sums it up (and assures a lighthearted giggle as well).

    “Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.” ~ Gene Fowler

  17. Amisha

    I’ve been there, although mine is not about writing but about solving software problems.

    You can do it, one step at a time!

  18. Meghan

    Sending you love and light. And trust in self. All the hard things come up when sitting to write, gosh I know that. Be you and all will be well. Channel Brene! xoxo

  19. susannah

    hee!! that is brilliant!

  20. susannah

    ‘The words have to get to know each other inside of you before they can come to your mind.’ – that is awesome, hon xo

  21. Melissa Buchanan

    do they still make those lolly cigarettes?? ;)
    the (right) words will come. they always do.

  22. Colette

    I was wondering if you can use your words during the courses you already wrote? Maybe your book is already written?

  23. Sara

    Never give up!! Have faith, I have those moments too where I’m in utter fear that things won’t work out but they always tend to … in ways that may surprise you but they always do. So hang in there! =)

  24. Jill Kane

    You can do this because you have PASSION about this oozing from all your being! And that photo above is absolutely fabulous :)

  25. Amy Oscar

    Writing in my own cafe, in my own corner of the world, in solidarity with you. May the inspiration and the words flow easily. Looking forward to reading the book, whenever it comes, however it forms itself.

  26. bella

    :) just a note to say that i luv u – i believe in you –
    and that i see you growing (and unravelling) with your writing. it’s not always an easy flow. but the story is yours, still inside of you.

  27. Karen D

    one word at a time and before you know it you’ll be done. You have a wealth of information to share and I for one am looking forward to the book!

  28. christine

    There’s a saying among musicians that its not the notes that make the piece but the space in between the notes. Find that place in between the notes (or in your case…the words) and then write.

    I know you can do this. :)

  29. Delia

    Hello there…just wanted to say I hear you. Several years ago in an email you said, “it seems that whenever i get excited about a project i put tonnes of energy into it and get so far, and then i stop…laziness…ennui…or perhaps the absolute and total fear of either failure or success. the fear of actually putting myself out there…” I wanted to remind you of this because in the years since you have flourished into a true creative dynamo. You were scared then, but persisted and look at where you are now! The same will be true of your book…the fear will pass and as long as you keep baby-stepping your way through those pages, we will all get to enjoy your success in the form of a beautiful book in our hands. Happy writing, Susannah! xoxo

  30. Liz

    aaah, yes… all those things you said, and THEN I love that you started laughing… it lifts the bubble (so to speak)… oh and I am SO with you, there are days when a ciggie would just fix everything, and also nothing at all… xoxo

  31. jojo

    i have those days too. the smoking. and of course writing too. and of course some days the simpiist of things are dang difficult. i love reading your honesty. and the image is so so dang yummy.

  32. alison

    If grad school taught me anything it was this: you wouldn’t have made it this far if people didn’t believe in you. That you have made it here is a testament to your abilities and tenacity. What roadblocks mire your way now are so insignificant compared to those you’ve crossed already. You have made it here, you will survive and push forward and grow and learn and change from this process. It will not swallow you or your words.

    Like so many other tests in life, you have to stand up to your fears of inadequacy and remember that fears exist to be challenged and overtaken. You may be finding the act of stringing words together to be like staring at the base of a very tall mountain. Just remember: you’ve done all the pieces already, you know how to climb, to scramble and to walk long distances, now you’re just stringing them together.

    Oh, and don’t forget (above all else) no one besides you and your editor has to read your first draft. You can do this!

  33. susannah

    thank you, love, i needed to hear this today :) xoxo

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