The stay-at-home auntie

Seriously. That’s all I want to do these days — hang out with these guys. Doesn’t it look like the The Best Place to be in the world? I joke with my sister that I should move into the house next door so I can be a stay-at-home auntie — she and I could take it in turns to work and look after Blondie Bear. And there is a big part of me that wants to do this for reals. To follow my heart and live closer to my family. But the reason I haven’t upped sticks and moved to their village in the middle of nowhere yet is the fragile hope that one day I will meet Noah’s future uncle. This mysterious man who is alive right now, somewhere in the world. Because it would be so easy to stay as I am, contendedly single, working from home, putting my books out into the world. It would be so easy to live in a cottage by a field, writing all morning and spending my afternoons playing with paints and trucks and being a hands-on auntie.


There is always the but. The quiet yearning that I’ve pushed down for so many years. The one that gets louder with every anniversary that passes. The very human need for love and companionship. The desire for my own little family, even if it’s only a family-of-two. And yes, the delight of bringing an uncle into Noah’s life.

* * * * *

I don’t know how to end this post. Two hours have passed since I wrote those words above. The next 12 months are going to be so full of work and travel, I have no idea how I’ll fit in everything I need to do. And the thought of putting myself out there to find a mate feels… tiring. Daunting. Impossible. Unlikely.

I have no idea what I’m trying to say, so i will leave this as an unfinished post. The wind is blowing so hard today, making the windows rattle and bang; the leaves on the horse chestnut tree across the street are already starting to fall. Time is moving on.

42 responses
  1. Arabella

    Being open is the beginning to everything. And not being able to finish a post about this sounds very much like an opening…so many good thoughts for you to connect with the person who is meant to be at the other end of this yearning.

  2. Sandie Cottee

    Sometimes the things we want come when we are least expecting them. Hope your dreams come true when the time is right.

  3. Catherine Denton

    The way you write is so beautifully honest. I know I’ve probably said this before, but your words resonate with me. I hope you get everything you long for!
    My Blog

  4. Stacy

    That uncle might be someone you sit next to on a plane during the next 12 months. He might be someone in that small village. He might be anyone. But he’s there and waiting for you. You’re completely awesome and he’ll see that and feel so blessed.

  5. luzmaqc

    Dear Susannah, (can I call you that?)
    My heart ached a little reading your post. I totally relate to the feeling you have, I was there, it was a difficult time in my life, but then love found me in the most unexpected place. I was caught so unaware that I didn’t realized it was the love of my life until some time later.
    What I want to say is that love will find you anywhere you are, specially if you are happy doing what you love and if you are open to people, to meet and to let them know you better.
    You are such a great, loving, interesting and beautiful woman. I’m sure the guy who is going to be crazy about you is already looking everywhere to find you. He’ll love Noah too, because he’ll see some part of you that beautiful little guy.
    Well, I send you a big hug from this part of the world far, far away. (sorry for my rusty English)

  6. Alicia

    Oh I am sending some little prayers out into the wind today–prayers that Blondie Bear’s future uncle finds his way to you very soon!

  7. Lisa

    Me thinks that wind is rustling up some of your dormant leaves… Oh, the places they will go!

  8. Denaz

    Susannah thank you for sharing this. It takes a brave person to crack open and bare their soul like you have just done.

    Well you have put this out to the universe and if it hasn’t happened yet its because the time hasn’t been right – yet amongst all that busyness that you have yet to come try to make a little space and be open to receive.

    I can imagine that you come across as such a strong woman to the opoosite sex almost leaving them feeling like you don’t need or want the connection that you so long for. So once in a while let your guard down – show your vulnerbility – this will become your strength.
    Hows that for unsolicited advise?!

    As always sending lots of good vibes your

  9. Fiona Robyn

    Exciting… unfinished or not, the first step towards something new : )

  10. judy

    Good Luck It will happen most likely when you are not looking. Just believe

  11. Rebecca

    “tiring. Daunting.” Yes.
    “Impossible.” No.
    First step, eliminate that thought.
    But also know that it isn’t the end all, be all.
    Sending you positive energy for your journey wherever it may lead you.

  12. Gayle L..

    “Time is moving on.” Gosh do I understand both sides of that coin – the joy and The Sorrow. Virtual hugs to you.

  13. Nina

    I think the stay-at-home auntie idea is a brilliant one! There’s a passage in ‘Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom’ about how in some Australian aboriginal societies all of a child’s aunts are considered to be its mothers (and uncles are fathers) [page 426 in my ed., in the section headed ‘Mothering in the Addictive System’].

    By the way, I do personally know one happily married coupled who met online…

  14. Marthe

    This post makes my heart ache. You’re such a great writer, Susannah, I can truly feel all the great love you have for your nephew and your familiy. And here I am accross the sea from you, wanting with my whole heart that you find Noah’s uncle you are looking for.

    I wish you the best of luck and look forward to read those books of yours soon! And I hope to meet you at WDS too:)


  15. sperlygirl

    being open is a gift…sending you positive energy, strength, and peace.

  16. sarah s. - redlinedesign

    Susannah: when I read your post, it made me think of my Aunt….the best auntie in the world (besides you of course) She had a child, my cousin in her early twenties and endured heartache of a different sort but did not get married until she turned 60.
    I remember telling her that it was her time to be happy and that everyone has a right to be loved… You are doing the loving right now and your time will come when you least expect it…What a lucky boy Noah is to have such an incredible lady as his aunt…don’t ever stop what you are providing to him now, he will remember it forever…I know I do… love to you (sorry to miss you this weekend was really looking forward to seeing you…)

  17. Michael Coleman

    Always love your sincerity Susannah.

  18. Nanette Gordon-Cramton

    When and where you least expect it, my dear Susannah! xoxo

  19. Roxanne

    Time is indeed moving on. I feel that myself more than ever, these days. {{hugz}}

  20. barbara

    i understand you so well, that i think i´ll write you an email soon..

  21. Christianne

    Beautiful, Susannah. As always, I love your heart. xoxo

  22. sas

    WOO HOO COME ON UNIVERSE! I love this quiet declaration of intent.

    I bet Mr Photobird is somewhere thinking ‘where is she then?’. Probably as he is chopping firewood (shirtless), before heading inside for a shower and then sitting down to good wine and homemade soup in front of the fire.

    Later he’ll probably rearrange his architecture coffee table books.

    And then maybe clean his camera lenses.

    love you millions

  23. kristen

    ((love you))

  24. Marianne

    Yes to it all, most of all the opening and the uncertainty that comes with it. Love to you.

  25. Christine

    I really love this post. It may be unfinished, but it’s beautiful that way. Not every blog post needs a tidy conclusion – I feel that tug sometimes too, but it’s so nice to see the thought left as-is, unforced.

    I love that last paragraph, and the wind that’s blowing the leaves off the trees over here in Montreal today too.

    Your dream of living in the country, writing and helping to raise your nephew souds incredibly lovely. It doesn’t have to mean you’re a hermit either. Living in a city is no guarantee of antihermitism, right? Who’s to say that Noah’s future uncle isn’t a country fella anyway? : )

  26. Mary Leach

    I have no doubt that your quiet yearning will lead to love. I rarely comment (but will more often) but the beauty, happiness, honesty, and love that pours from this blog fills me up.

    Sending love.

  27. kath

    Read this:
    I was 43. It happens. Like you, I always knew the future uncle was out there. And when he showed up, it blew my mind! I remember feeling, “Really, just like that? We’re in love?” Have faith my friend, continue on the course of loving and living yourself.

  28. Christian @ Eskimo Kiss

    Who knows, maybe you’ll meet Noah’s future uncle in that small, middle of nowhere village:) Sometimes it happens when you least expect it, not when you’re looking. That’s how it worked for me anyway…..

    Your little Noah is lucky to have an Auntie who loves him as much as you do. I love that picture so much. The vintage looking toys, his little cookies. That blankie that’s just nearly the same as one I have.

  29. Zarina Ávila

    Turns out at least what we want or need, the faster it appears, without any effort, as if from nowhere. Good luck with everything this new year is for you!

  30. Angela Vular

    I think you just put it out there in the universe and you know what happens when you do that!!!!
    Lots of hugs,

  31. Louise, Raspberries In Winter

    It certainly does look like a great place, that granny square rug is adorable!

  32. Sherri

    I love how real you are. And open. And vulnerable. I am not married – yet – but just last week my very best friend in the world died. She was only 32 and we talked about EVERYTHING and traveled the world together. My heart is broken. I wonder if my next best friend will be the husband I have been waiting for all my life. I know your longing. We shall hold out faith and hope! Keep writing – love hearing from you! You are awesome!

  33. orcawave

    Susannah, When I was in the situation I wrote a list of all the attributes I would love my future sweetheart to have..and then I put the list away… and eventually in the right time he came along and I remembered the list..he had 40 out of 45 of the attributes I had written! I now believe in putting out to the universe what you are looking for and believing it will happen:)

  34. Susie M

    Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. What she said, and she said and she said. Love will find you. No question about it.

  35. Lily

    This is exactly why people love you. Raw, honest, unfiltered emotion. I look forward to the day this post is answered with a new love in your life. You so deserve nothing but happiness.


  36. Maura

    Sometimes when I read your posts I feel as if I could have written them myself! Just by posting this you have begun the process of putting yourself out there !

  37. Helen Watson-Jones

    funny, the other day i was wishing i was you. living on your own and able to do your work whenever you choose, eat , sleep whenever it fits into your writing. I was having an envying moment when I had to stop, make dinner, help with homework, pick up after and give myself to the hours it takes to be invested in being with a man and having children. funny how we both have greener grass :o)

  38. Sheila

    “And the thought of putting myself out there to find a mate feels… tiring. Daunting. Impossible. Unlikely.” — Exactly my sentiment. Feels great to find your blog! Hope Noah’s Uncle finds you soon.

  39. babu

    **__ hugs __**

  40. Fiona

    I need to comment here, even though it’s a bit late. I feel all this too, and time is moving on, and yet. I know we’re both going to be ok. Fabulous actually. That’s a promise.

  41. Marisa Anne

    i love this photo so much it hurts. have you ever thought that you might meet your man while traveling? also. i miss you. would love to catch up soon xoxo

  42. Nicola

    I often feel this way too. My heart wants to take me to the countryside but yet I stick in the city because I believe that it is unlikely that I’ll find my soulmate there. And naturally I find myself with little in common with those around me as a result. No advice, for you or for me. Just an unfinished thought too.

Comments are closed.