The edge of my universe

Today, I’m tired.

I’m tired of the grey London weather.
I’m tired of the blogosphere.
I’m tired of reading the same old purple prose that doesn’t actually mean anything.
I’m tired of platitudes and hyperbole.
I’m tired of reading about how everyone’s lives are so awesome.
I’m tired of reading about how grateful they are for their awesome lives.
I’m tired of hearing about green juices, cleanses, engagements and weddings.
I’m tired of competitiveness.
I’m tired of requests and demands.
I’m tired of being a slave to my inbox.
I’m tired of waiting for results.
I’m tired of being alone.
I’m tired of being tired.

This morning my therapist remarked that I seem to standing at the edge of my universe, that I’ve gone as far as I can and now I’m ready to cross over into a whole new one. And I nodded and said yes, YES. That’s exactly how it feels.

I’m ready for a new universe of experience. A new world of possibility and inspiration and love. One where I don’t feel tired at all.

I believe it’s possible.

Patience. Patience. Patience.

69 responses
  1. Fiona

    You summed up my feelings exactly. I hope for patience and kindness to ourselves on the journey.

  2. Liberty

    Thank you. I don’t feel as crazy or alone.

  3. Sue fox

    My tired list looks a bit like yours, but what made me even more tired was waiting nearly 3 weeks for a biopsy result, as you said grateful for NHS but the wait is tiresome and worrisome it can bring you down! Best Wishes x

  4. Dimitra

    Are you any good at being patient? I’m not. When I find myself at the edge of my universe, I tend to feel like I’m about to explode.

  5. Amy

    From the outside, you appear to have an awesome life. Just like from the outside (particularly in online posts), others appear to be rolling in awesomeness. Inside…well, inside we’re all afraid, we’re all tired and we’re all doing the best we can. Some days really are awesome. Some days aren’t. For everyone.

    I appreciate you share even your un-awesome moments. It helps.

    One thing I learned from a prolonged illness…even the darkest days can have lovely moments. May you have many lovely moments today.

  6. Di

    Had to smile, I had a wee meltdown too. It’s friggin’ freezing in Antwerp, and we’re on a pollution alert, and I come from New Zealand so pollution alerts grot me off something fierce.
    Looking forward to seeing where this takes you, and wishing you strength for the journey

  7. sheila

    I’m tired of it all too. Go for it!

  8. Catalina




  9. Sheena

    Oh goodness, do I hear you.

  10. sheila

    I am new to your blog, but as a 4 on the enneagram and an INFJ, I feel like I “know” you. Funny how that is. Anyway, I used a similar expression this time last year. It was “the edge of all I know”. It’s a rough, rough place. My spiritual director who is so, so gifted in the enneagram made me believe all the creativity of a 4 provides an endless capacity for creation that extends to ourselves.
    You stand on the edge of creation. Tiring? Most definitely. Exhilarating? Yes, that too.
    Sending love and kindness to you today.

  11. Paula Johnson

    Ditto from me too Susannah!

  12. gotham girl

    I’d like to add one to your list. I’m tired of people taking photos of their feet.

  13. Michele

    If I had a blog, it would have read exactly (well, almost) the same today!
    Discovered you (through Stampington) several months ago Susannah and really enjoy your openness and photography.
    Also, used to live in London for several years so your images bring back good memories…
    Montreal, Canada

  14. kelly collins

    Dad passed away 3 weeks ago leaving a raw huge hole in my heart. Today – utter APATHY. Today with a to do list as long as my arm, I chose to plop down and watch a movie. But thanks to you, I know tomorrow I will grab my camera, walk my poor neglected pups and look for the beauty of the day. Just too tired to look for it today. But it’s there. Thanks for inspiring and sharing but mostly for your honesty and realness and making me feel normal and not so quite alone.

  15. Cristina

    I’m with you. I feel the same things, today, and in these days. I admire you because you have the courage and sincerity to say these things, while I am afraid to do it. Thank you for being as you are, Susannah.

  16. Jo

    I got half way and thought,”MAN she needs a change of online scenery.” then found you’d already realised. I’ve known you since..when..late 2008? Your heart is the same but you have changed and grown so much. Leap. Those of us who love you will always love you xx.
    P.S. Yep. Clonerama.

  17. LEaNNE

    Thank you for putting into words exactly what I’m feeling. I’m going to so use the “edge of the universe” idea as I work through my own dark night.

  18. Rachel

    Ah yes. Life isn’t meant to be always awesome. Because of course without the awful parts how could we ever truly appreciate the awesome. Life is what it is. And my God we’d better have a decent summer in the UK this year… *shakes fist at weather gods*

  19. susan black

    yes we sure do love you
    & love today’s image

    leap and the net will appear – it’s true
    it’s happened to me xos

  20. kristen

    god, i’m so tired of the platitudes and hyperbole.

    i’m tired of caring too, and letting my buttons be pushed.

  21. Janice

    i have only been reading your blog for a short time, as a cancer survivor I know that waiting for test results is difficult, all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and sleep….
    on another point I remember someone saying that we should not compare our inside lives (we know our flaws, faults and shortcomings) with other people’s outside lives, we don’t know what is going on, all we see is the polished life that isn’t ours. reminding myself of that helps at least some of the time.
    sorry if it seems like platitude! I have both enjoyed and learned from your blog and your photography.
    good luck finding your new universe, please keep us posted on your progress.

  22. sperlygirl

    i understand…finding myself edging towards a similar ledge. i’ll offer a hand and we’ll jump into brand new colorful beginnings. take care.

  23. patti scanlon

    Susannah. Bless you for sharing your truth. I heard this in yoga today. It is about how we all fall down and get back up again over and over, and that it is ok to fall down cause YOU WILL GET BACK UP. You got this it will be ok.

    Repetition is not failure ask the waves, the leaves the wind.
    There is no expected pace for inner learning. What we need to learn comes when we need it, no matter how many times we have to start over no matter how many times we have to learn the same lesson. We fall down as much as we need to to learn how to fall and get up. We fall in love as many times as we need to to learn how to hold and be held. We misunderstand the many voices of truth as many times as we need to to truly hear the choir of diversity around us. We suffer our pain as often is as necessary for us to learn to break and be healed. No one likes this of course but we deal with our dislike in the same way, again and again, until we learn what we need to know about the humility of acceptance.

    Bless you dear girl. Thoughts are with you. Hang tough you got this.

  24. Michele

    Yes. Standing on the edge of the universe. For some reason that makes it sound less yuck. I am also tired of hearing about green juices, positivity thinking, the law of attraction and effing everything.

    Thinking of you as you wait. (That is a long long time!)

  25. sas

    yep. i hear you. one of those days where i feel thwarted by the universe.
    january is pants. london grey gloom bites ass.
    so much impatience and grief and fed-upness happens at the edges.
    surrendering is hard work.
    love you xxx

  26. Lori

    I’m right there on the edge with you – and oh so tired. thanks for always being so willing to share. You are so courageous, wonderful and definitely not out there alone.

  27. Galia Alena

    Ahhhh, the precipice, its a place of possibilities sweet one. I remember my favourite Lit Prof, who only wore red socks, jumping up on the lecture podium and teetering there to illustrate the edge of the precipice and the land of possibilities that lies beyond. :)
    I understand the tired, we all battle it. Someone asked me recently what I wanted to release from my life and the answer: fatigue.

    Wishing magic and energy in the land of possibilities

  28. Galia Alena

    Oh, and I really really want to hear about the purple prose…

  29. Nicola Dent

    Right there with you Susannah. Hugs. Nicola xx

  30. SweetMarie83

    I needed this today. I’m tired of hearing about everyone’s happy shiny lives when I feel like I’m waiting for mine to begin. And I feel so guilty saying that because I’m supposed to be happy for people, and I’m trying so hard to be a better person and blah blah blah but sometimes it’s too much and you wonder when it will be your turn, your time. So it helps to know I’m not alone and hear someone else voice what I’m usually too afraid to admit, even to myself.

  31. Katy

    Yep, yep, yep. Feels exactly the same. Woke up with a tiredness and all day feel spent. It’s pretty cold here in the Midwest too. But I also feel I WANT TO BE on the edge stepping into a new experience. I’m SO Willing! But how the heck do you know WHEN!? I have uber patience but I must admit I’m TIRED OF WAITING!! :)
    Thanks everyone for all the lovely posts.
    (I’m tired of all the exclamation marks I’m in the habit of using . . .)

  32. Brandy

    I feel you Susannah. We may have different circumstances but similar complaints. I’m 7 months pregnant and waiting for a lot of change to come into my life, but it has been lonely because I have strayed far away from my old life and friends by making the decision to start a family.
    I also agree that there are a lot of blogs out there that rave a little too much about their perfectly awesome lives, I’m need of something a bit more substantial so thanks for speaking your truth today.

  33. Veronica Roth

    I don’t blame you. Here in Vancouver the weather has just settled into the next three months of leaden skies and rain. Missing OXON, but there it isn’t much better. What we need is a week in Hawaii to lay on the beach and count pelicans. I like your therapist. Mine said to go paint something but I don’t feel like painting anything.

  34. Alma

    Dear Susannah,
    I watched “Under the Tuscan Sun” tonight, inspired by a comment on your previous post, and midst kitchen cleaning and movie watching was thinking of you. The phrase that suddenly came to me was:
    “It is darkest before dawn”.
    And I smiled, WIDELY, because I knew that it is not only the perfect “there, there” -thing to say, but I KNOW it is true right now. In my heart. I do. And I am still smiling because I know that I will get to read about it when those first rays start to creep in – in their better-than-in-the-movies- kinda way.
    For they will.

    A moment later, I was still contemplating (whilst still movie watching) as I took some raspberries to melt for the morning. And I realized, with thought to my own life, and yours… There is a power in the Universe that made raspberries. I am pretty sure She/He/It is capable of guiding my lover to be into my life when the time is right.

    You are such a gem in this world.

  35. cococita

    Warm hug to you dearest Susannah! This is a time of transition for many people and especially the more sensitive ones. A new chapter is waiting for you and it will be a brilliant one! xxx

  36. La plume et la page

    I wish you this new world Susannah.
    (Sometimes I’m tired too…)

  37. susannah

    thank you, honey, that’s definitely something to hold on to

    and thank you all for your lovely comments today! xx

  38. Maya

    So beautifully put, Susannah and Amy, thank you for your words! ox

  39. Alicia

    You are on the edge of something amazing. Now it’s time to jump–we all know you can do it!

  40. Jessie

    So glad I am not the only one who feels this way! I so understand!

  41. Patti L

    I know that whole ‘tired of being tired’ feeling. I understand. Hang in there. You will get what you want. Remember how many people you inspire. I am one of them!

  42. Marsaille

    Love you girl!
    Patience, maybe.
    Open, Open, Open… yes… remember your word!
    My Mom used to tell me, “You have to tell the Universe that you are ready. Say, I am open to (this) now. I am ready to accept (this).”
    Now take some vitamin D and boogie.

  43. patricia

    I can’t wait to see what this new world is and how hard you seize it. You are always a quiet inspiration in my inbox. So hop on to this new enchanting world. (BTW I have the same rooster, it was a wine cork but it broke. I guess yours too ;) )

  44. zsofi jeney-domingues

    I spent most of my life feeling tired. I am tired of dreaming. Learn to sleep.

  45. Melissa Jaine

    Dear Susannah, you are very much not alone, just look at all those comments :). But I understand the feeling, all too well.
    I also know what it’s like to be waiting on a result – but the good news is, the news is sometimes good. :)

  46. Juli

    No words, Susannah…but sending lots of love.

  47. Carolyn

    I am so in exactly that place too! The crossing over is exactly what 2013 is all about for me.

    Good luck to both of us :)

  48. Kathy

    How often we think we’re depressed when in reality we are in the birth canal ready to be born into a new universe! Learning to love the journey is our challenge. Finding the courage for the journey to a new universe is no easy task. Thank you for this great insight!

  49. gina

    I’ve been reading your blog for awhile but never commented. This post really resonated with me. The list sounds much like my list right now. I don’t know why its so hard for me to think positive right now but it will pass.
    Best of luck on your tests. It must be hard to wait for such important news.

  50. Britta

    I loved your post today. I’m also tired of all the ‘awesomeness’ on social networks, and how happy and great everyone’s portrayed lives are. I’m interested in what’s going on inside. Hoping your results come soon.

  51. Anne

    Fricking PATIENCE!!! My worst… i have none… i wish you loads. Lots of energy, patience and perseverance. xxx

  52. Sabine

    That’s so close to what I feel right now. I’m ready for new experiences, for new adventure, a new life, new friends, new challenges, a new city, a new home. Can’t wait to start with it. So it has to be ‘patience’ for me too!!!
    I wish, that this new world will be soon reality for you, Susannah. My thoughts are with you!

  53. Carol

    I used to feel exactly the same when I was a huge blog reader. The roll of my eyes when reading about how awesome their lives are.

    But you know what, it’s not about them, it’s about us. The problem is ours. If people want to convey happiness via their blogs, well that is their truth that they have chosen to put out there. And people have the right to communicate whatever ‘truth’ feels right to them. Not everyone feels comfortable laying themselves bare via their blogs.

    The word ‘marinate’ pisses me off big time. I’ve stopped reading blogs in the past because of the over use of that one word. Marinate, marinate. What are you, a fillet of steak, a piece of chicken?

    Do I have a point here? I don’t know, I’ve lost my flow of thought now lol.

    Ultimately, if something pushes my buttons. I stop reading the blog. The problem is mine, not theirs.

    Susannah, I am sending positives thoughts your way regarding your results. Be well!

  54. Em

    Hi Susannah, I’m relatively new to your blog but have managed to work my way through your beautifully written back catalogue & this post makes me think of one of your older ones where you were happy just to see this…


    Thank you for sharing your truth with us :)

  55. Bella

    i know…
    i am too.
    this is why i go a lil cray
    and book a Feb. getaway
    to an island. a little sun &
    sand with a tropical drink
    does me good in the winter months.

  56. susannah

    i absolutely agree, hon xx


    Well, I think your life is pretty cool… You love your job, travel loads, have super creative and supportive friends, online and offline…

    But it is OK to feel like that. It really is ok. I understand you are waiting for something to happen. I am too. And I feel something’s gotta change.

    The cold and damp weather, defo dont help. But the sunshine will be back :)
    Hugs xxx

  58. Nina

    This waiting must be hard. I have friends doing similar waits right now (in other countries – so it’s not just our NHS!). I don’t read any of those my-life-is-awesome-and-i’m-not-bragging-i’m-just-sharing-my-gratitude blogs. Unfollow them! And this Monday I took a day off from Blogger and Flickr and Pinterest (don’t even have a Pinterest account but it can still get addictive) completely – such a relief, will be doing it again next week.

  59. Catherine

    Yeah … Bad days happen … had this nightmarish flu for … 4 days, fever, headache, and everything and it´s driving me nuts. A few days ago, I saw Easy virtue with Jessica Biel and I could use this character to answer the question of your previous post. Have you seen it ? If not, this could bring some fun to your day … I’ll keep in mind the Toscan sun for as son as I’m back feeling alive again.

  60. patti scanlon

    Susannah I have been thinking about this blog post a lot, I think because it is a truth for all of us at some times in our lives, we get “tired” . But just know that you CAN TRUST STABILITY, Trust that the ground will be there when you wobble. :)

  61. Melinda

    I feel that way too…I see so many houses that are photographed beautifully and I just don’t have that life. I would love a well ordered life but it just is not happening at the moment. And that is my Truth and that is enough and that is OK. Appreciate you folks!


  62. Kristine

    I love the honesty in this post & the image that was chosen … I think we all feel this way, from time to time. I know, I do. I understand and I hear you! Love Ya, Susannah!

  63. Gerri Smalley

    love to you…

  64. the Kroons

    we love you, p’sannah.

  65. keishua

    that phrase “edge of your universe” is mouthful of truth.

  66. Barbara

    They say patience is a virtue and I believe this to be true.
    The New Universe a waits for us all if we are willing to take that first step. Just think of all the new adventures that await us. I look forward to the adventure. don’t you ? Barbara

  67. EllieB

    I’m with you on all that.

    I could add much to the list also. My tiredness has become utter exhaustion.

    I wish you well on your quest Susannah.

  68. Debbie

    Ditto, what to do, what to do? Can’t hardly wait to find out????

  69. Justine

    Being as awesome as you are… and knowing you have real feelings about real things, is extra inspiring. Thank you for being real, honest and awesome.

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