Sweet freedom

evening | SusannahConway.com
Never let it be said that I don’t walk my talk. My recapitulation process now finds me wandering back through my childhood years and you may not be surprised to learn this coincided with an infection in my gum and wisdom tooth. I have never known pain like it and after five days of nearly going out of my mind I finally got some antibiotics. I’m currently waiting for an appointment with the oral surgeon to extract the offending tooth. Nice.

Tomorrow I’m off to the doctor to ask for a referral to a fibroids clinic in London. It’s been four years since I was diagnosed with these benign tumours and I haven’t done anything about it. Recent events have informed me I need to change this, so I’m listening and doing.

So as I clear out the muck from my insides my outsides are asking to be fine-tuned, too. I’ve noticed this often happens, this body-mind symbiosis, but usually it’s the other way around: I get sick first, then I learn the lesson. This time the internal work is shifting stuff around — Reichian-style, I wouldn’t be surprised.

The longer wintry nights are perfect for this kind of soulwork. I’m wanting to hibernate wrapped in a blanket on my bed, watching comforting DVDS and reading books like my life depended on it (hint to self: it always does). I’m hanging out with the little girl who still lives inside me. Part of the recapitulation is taking an honest look at the past and sifting through memories to find the patterns I’m playing out today. In the book I touched on redrafting the blueprint of our past — bereavement had thrown up all sorts of knots that begged to be unravelled, but it’s only now that I feel ready to do the heavier lifting. I’ve been carrying most of this for the last thirty years — it’s time to let it go.

On the outside I don’t look any different, but on the inside I’m tender and raw, filled with the sweet sweet hope that this is the beginning of something I can’t possibly imagine just yet. A new kind of freedom, perhaps…

9 responses
  1. Alexis

    Insides and outsides are stirring and shifting. I like this. I am always matching my insides with my outsides and it’s been a struggle not to compare outsides with everybody else.

  2. Nina

    Do you know Tara Brach? Perhaps I found her through one of you SFTWs… I watched one of her talks recently where she described a “spiritual re-parenting” of ourselves. Sounds like what you’re doing now. (Might have been this one, not sure: http://www.tarabrach.com/video/2013-09-04-From-Egoic-to-Unconditioned-Loving.html .)

  3. Shelly

    What a sweet process, and the hope of an unknown freedom!

  4. Ninie Pouce

    We always grow up and learn. I’m just inside of being the one I want tobe these last days. So peacefull.

  5. kelly

    I might have to give this process a try! I have made a fair amount of peace with my past, but I know that there’s more to do.
    I hope your tooth feels better soon.

  6. Annette Gendler

    So sorry to hear about your wisdom tooth infection. Hope you get that appointment soon. My daughter was just teething with hers coming in, perfect big molars with six peaks. It’s an odd rite of passage to be teething again.

  7. Lydia Kimble-Wright

    I think that the wisdom teeth and other health issues are your bodies way of finally expelling the things that you don’t need in your life. Loving and taking care of ‘little susannah’ is your charge — love her and protect her and by doing so, you are loving and protecting yourself.

    Toothaches hurt like hell so I hope that the dentist appointment arrives before you know it. In the meanwhile, do take care of yourself. Blessings, Lydia

  8. La plume et la page

    I hope you’ll have an appointment with the oral surgeon quickly. I have one on the 20th of december to extract a wisdom tooth. My dentist told me it was urgent… I’m not really happy to go to the oral surgeon but I have to.

  9. Sandra Harriette

    Poignant, sparkling words. They penetrate my soul. They make me feel instead of think.

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