There was a time, not so long ago, when it would have taken me all day to get to the supermarket and buy something for dinner. Much of the day would’ve been spent staring into space; parts were consumed by tears. Around 4pm the wine was opened, the rest of the evening a blur.
I wasn’t an alcoholic – I was grieving.
On Sunday I’m leaving for what is going to be a very full and stimulating two weeks – and I use the word stimulating because everything is going to be brand new – first time in Boston, first time driving to New Hampshire, first time teaching at Squam, first time meeting so many Unravellers and students, first time driving to New York, first time IN NEW YORK! First time meeting my agent and editor – so much going on! The last few days I’ve been stitching together a chapter to send to my editor while preparing the slideshow for my class at Squam – there just so much NEW happening my head is spinning, yet i manage to stay upright somehow. And it’s because i remember the grieving woman who drank wine by the gallon and spent hours trying to leave the house and then cried in the street. I remember how desperate those months were, when I couldn’t bear to speak to people and hid away in my flat for days at a time; when I didn’t know if i could carry on.
When I didn’t want to carry on.
I remember so clearly how wretched that time was, and yet here I am. I survived. And not only that, i am thriving. And today i am so grateful for all that is happening, for all the opportunities i have been given – and the ones i’ve worked hard for too. If he could see me now i know he would be so proud.
And the cherry on the cake? A little boy called Noah. Still being here – carrying on – means i get to be his auntie, and that is truly the best job in the world.
Okay, there are the tears. But they are good tears. Big love to you all xo