[a post from the Ink on my Fingers blog, May 2006]
The pen was gingerly picked up and used yesterday; I’ve made my notes, today I will write. The best way to tackle this stage fright is with brute force I’ve decided. I’m strapped into my chair, my feet are under the desk, these words will be written whether I like it or not. But first… a little blogging procrastination (or as I’m choosing to see it – a limbering up exercise). Jonathan has passed me a meme* which caught my imagination last night. Here’s what I wrote:
Frantic: my head in this exact moment; my panic and worry that I’m not achieving enough, professionally, personally, emotionally; that I’m not healing fast enough; the thoughts and memories that flood my brain; the worry that the days are flying past me and I’m missing out on life and opportunities for happiness; that I’m too far from the past to be able to see it clearly anymore. See also frenetic, frenzied
Freesias: Cloud-white, seductive scent; huge bunches wrapped in brown paper, carried in his arms and given to me with a sheepish smile and the promise of the make-up kiss, always always his peace offering after a row. See also fuchsias
Flourish: the writerly flourish, that which must be pruned back; what I have achieved in this new soil by the sea; learning to live again, to survive, renewed and stronger, watered and fed by those who love me, those who care.
Fig: my favourite fruit; one of the three scents I wear, the smell of me; he would always notice when I changed my scent, our noses more attuned to each other than our own eyes.
Flirtatious: a state of being I worry I may never find again, my inner minx hidden in the basement, surviving on bread and water.
Frangipani: exotic flower, Paul Gaugain paintings; oiled skin, sun-kissed limbs; flowers tucked behind my ear in Jamaica, rum in the glass in my hand; almond body scrub, glistening thighs, skin good enough to eat. See also frankincense
Friendship: the boat that kept me afloat, hands holding mine, warm palms placed against the small of my back to steady me; invisible hands reaching out through my computer monitor; generosity, love, kindness, compassion, bonds forged through laughter and tears, secrets and sisterhood; unspoken allegiances, blood and mirrors.
Feathers: the white feathers strewn across my path as I walked through the chine to the sea one afternoon. Words still ringing in my head – he’s gone, he’s left me, I can’t feel him anymore – and then feathers, hundreds of them, under my feet, such playful communication, reassuring, connection restored.
Fragile: my state of being, yet one fortified with new knowledge, new hopes, new knowing ~ inner wisdom.
Future: looking towards it for the first time in months; one foot still lodged in the past, comfort and safety, yet I now look through the viewfinder and as the clouds clear I think I see land ahead. The seagulls are circling and something pulls me closer to an imagined shore. The route backwards has been lost – perhaps that wasn’t the way home after all.
Other f words of note: fontanelle, florid, fuck, freckle, fluke, fracture, filigree, fabulous, fate, feral, frank
* meme, noun, a behavioural or cultural trait that is passed on by other than genetic means, eg. by imitation. First coined in 1976 by Richard Dawkins. So now I know. If you’d like to have a go, leave a comment and I’ll give you your letter…